The Disasters Brought by Free Time and Neglect
by Hatsbox
Summary: Shuichi's seen everyone around him change as their lives progress, but it seems like he and Yuki are standing still. He's looking for something concrete he can believe in, but dissappointment, doubts and Yuki's apathy lead him to question his choices. End
1. 01

I really hate it when I walk into a recording session and Hiro and Suguru look up and ask me how Yuki is. As though the outcome of the entire day is completely dependent on whether or not my self-esteem has been crushed under the heel of one cold, blonde romance novelist. A sexy heel, yes, but a heel all the same. And what really irks me is that I know they're both genuinely concerned about my welfare, and that it shouldn't bother me like it does, but it bothers me all the same. And still I'll give them a smile, show them that good old Shindou enthusiasm, and we'll skyrocket to the top of the charts by the end of the week.

It's been years since the New York incident. Five years, to be exact, not that I'm counting or anything. I mean, math was never my strong suit anyway. But nevertheless, things have changed. Not for the better or the worse, really. Just changed. Bad Luck has been number one for quite some time, though not entirely through our own skill. Not to say I'm knocking our skill, because I'm not, I'm really, really not. Not to sound cocky or anything, but I know we're good. We're damn good, and there's nobody around that could even come close to knocking us off our pedestal. We're what other artists aspire to be, we're the cream of the crop, hell, even Americans know who Bad Luck is, something Nittle Grasper could never quite manage. Aah, but Nittle Grasper is where it all begins, isn't it?

I still remember the day when Seguchi Tohma walked into NG's pristine offices and handed his grand title over to Sakano. I'm still in shock, really, because I didn't think Tohma would ever tire of waiting until my life settled a bit before stirring things up with one crisis or another. I know he loved torturing me, just as much as I loved succeeding if only to throw it back into his face, but I suppose he'd simply be too busy to continue picking on me. Well, during office hours, anyway. But Seguchi Tohma resigned as President of NG Records nonetheless, simply because his wife was having a baby.

I was floored when I heard the news, and even more floored when I actually saw Tohma and Mika together. He would hold her hand affectionately, and ask about how she was doing and whether or not she was comfortable and what in the world she wanted just so he could be the first to give it to her. I was... more surprised than disturbed, but I figured he was doing it just because he wanted to show the world that he was a good father, and I assumed that as soon as the kid was born it would be right back to the same old routine, and he'd be as cold to everyone as he ever was.

But that wasn't the case, and if anything his cold exterior melted even more once the kid showed up. He would show the kid off, swelling with pride, and he'd smile and coo and fuss and you could just tell how incredibly happy he was. Mika's reaction was much the same, but with her it was more the fact that their relationship had seemed like it was wilting, but their new addition gave it just the water and sunlight it needed. I always liked thinking of Mika as a flower, because whenever I saw her she was beautiful and strong and prepared for anything, but still retained that feminine delicateness. But I'm rambling again.

The addition of a child to the Seguchi household brought about interesting developments. Tohma left Grasper for good, with Noriko and Ryuichi's blessing, though it was kind of obvious how broken up about it Ryuichi was. Hell, pretty much the entire world was broken up about it, but during one of our late-night conversations, Ryuichi said he'd much rather go out with a bang while they were still on top than to slowly fade away, only to be briefly remembered on oldies stations and on discount racks. Ryuichi had a habit of staging weird sleepovers at two or three in the morning, much to Yuki's annoyance, where we'd talk about everything and nothing. He asked me a lot about the music business, and any groups that were up-and-coming, and even though it was just small talk, I could tell how much he missed it. Even Kumagoro lacked enthusiasm, and one night it finally occurred to me how utterly lonely Ryuichi was. I asked him about it, and it was like poking a hole in a huge dam, and we both ended up bawling on the living room floor. I told him how robbed I felt that Grasper retired before we decided who truly won our rivalry, and he told me how alone he felt because he was this huge legend that no one could relate to, so we both clung to each other like a life raft from the Titanic and cried our miseries away. At least until the next morning.

It was kind of awkward when he left my apartment the next day. We both felt kind of vulnerable, and for the first time I saw him watching me the way Yuki sometimes does when he thinks I'm not looking, like I'm the only one in the world that understands his situation. That was when it first occurred to me that my idol, Sakuma Ryuichi, might think of me as more than a friend. I was scared as hell that he might act on his feelings in that less-than-sane way Ryuichi has, and that in the end I'd end up ruining our friendship, like I tend to ruin everything else. So I did the only cowardly and moronic thing I could think of. I called Tatsuha Uesugi.

I count myself very lucky that things turned out the way they did. Tatsuha, as opposed to trying to jump immediately into Ryuichi's pants (as he tends to do) or wetting himself with joy at the fact that he was in the presence of his God, actually managed to present himself to Ryuichi as a human being. Even Yuki was impressed, which is really saying something. I could climb Mount Everest and he wouldn't lift an eyebrow, but that's a whole different topic. Ryuichi was reluctant to be anything more than friends, more for the fact that Tatsuha was 17 at the time than anything else, but over a period of four years, (I applaud Tatsuha's fidelity, by the way) they managed to get it together. Tatsuha still worships the ground Ryuichi walks on, but it's more for whom Ryuichi is than for what Tatsuha expected him to be. Tatsuha is ever the romantic, and Ryuichi's constantly telling me about flowers or candy or skywriting or all the other romantic things Yuki writes about but chalks up to "bullshit for idiots who feel the need to remind their partners of their own existence." Leave it to Yuki to put it so romantically, ne?

Ryuichi and Tatsuha, though sickeningly adorable at times, really seem to have found everything they're looking for in each other. After they first got together, Tatsuha apparently gave Ryuichi a stuffed rabbit, an exact match to Kumagoro (though in much better condition) because he was "afraid that Kumagoro would get lonely without Ryuichi around so much." I don't see Kumagoro as often as I used to, which has taken some getting used to, and I see Tatsuha more often than I'd like, which has also taken some getting used to. Ryuichi and Tatsuha often try to cajole Yuki into going out on a double date with them sometime, and Yuki always "politely" declines for the both of us, which more often than not lands me a one-way ticket to the couch for the night. Not much in our relationship has changed, except for the fact that my ratio of nights on the couch to nights in his bed has changed a little bit for the better.

Hiro is another story entirely. We're not as close as we used to be, obviously, because our "boy's night out's" have all turned into "boy's night in taking care of the baby, listening to hideous baby stories, and Ayaka is there too, plus the baby's a girl, so I guess they can't even be called boy's night anything anymore." It's not as bad as I make it sound of course, and little Tomoko is the cutest thing on two legs, plus Ayaka is the best thing to happen to Hiro since, well, me, but I reserve my right to mourn my nineteen-year-old reckless nights of alcohol and poorly preformed karaoke. Not to say I don't still have those nights when I'm feeling particularly bummed or neglected, which happens more frequently as of late, but it's never with Hiro and I miss him. I know it's childish and stupid, but it's hard being second place when I used to be number one! Though I suppose I should have been more considerate of Hiro when Yuki came into the picture, but well, this is different! And I reserve my right to be a hypocrite too!

Alcohol isn't as fun as it used to be, however. I wasn't as into the club scene when I was younger, but now it seems like I go out more than twice a week. Most of the time I just meet up with a bunch of strangers who recognize me and end up keeping me company for the night, if only to say that they got to hang out with **the** Shiuchi Shindou. It's kind of boring having people hang on every word you say, and it leaves a sour taste in your mouth, but the more alcohol that makes it's way around the room, the less coherent everyone around you gets, until it just doesn't matter anymore and nobody remembers a word you said in the morning anyway.

Suguru sometimes goes with me, but he ends up "calling it a night early" with two or three pretty young things more often than not, so he's not that much fun to go out with anyway. Suguru has all the Tohma charm, though. He's got a following nearly as big as mine, and they adore him because he's available, while I remain the untouchable one with an angel's voice. I can see how Ryuichi came to rely on Kumagoro, not that I'm thinking of picking up stuffed animals anytime soon. It just gets pretty lonely sometimes. And Kumagoro probably doesn't insult Ryuichi's intelligence when he's got problems. I'm not complaining, I swear I'm not, but most of the time I'm glad when Yuki turns down those double dates, because seeing them together only serves to remind me that their relationship is probably what mine would have been if Yuki weren't so messed up. Not to say I'm not messed up too, but it's hard watching Tatsuha and Ryuichi dote on each other, or finish each other's sentences, or do a thousand of those other coupley-things that they do together that drive me completely crazy with jealousy because Yuki wouldn't be caught dead doing any of those things with me. Ryuichi's relationship with Tatsuha has made him look ten years younger, while lately I've felt years older than Ryuichi actually is.

I started really taking notice of things when Tohma invited Yuki and I over, shortly after the baby was born. We assumed that they'd be telling us his name, and when we got there Yuki even had the decency to put out his cigarette, something that he won't even do when I ask him. So we sat on their plush couches and made small talk, and I felt as uncomfortable as I always do in Tohma's presence, and he and Mika just sat there looking so damned happy that I wanted to shoot myself, but only managed to finish off my drink quicker than I normally would. Tohma didn't even attempt to insult me, underhandedly or otherwise, and I was bracing myself for something really unpleasant Tohma had in store for me. That's when Tohma told us they'd named the baby Eiri, and that they'd be delighted if Yuki would be the Godfather.

I wanted to laugh out loud and be sick at the same time, and only just managed to keep my mouth shut when I was dying to tell Tohma that I hoped he intended to look after this Eiri better than the last one. I was also wondering if they'd give him schooling in New York, and try to model him after Yuki so that Tohma could feel like he'd succeeded in saving this Eiri where he'd otherwise failed. I wanted to spit insult after insult at him, make him feel as awful as he'd made me feel all those times when he'd ruined my life for the sake of "protecting Eiri," but I couldn't. If only for the fact that Tohma wasn't doing this to hurt me through Yuki, and his face, once a smooth mask of menacing calm, actually looked like it might burst with all the joy he was trying to hold in.

I really, truly wanted to hurt Seguchi Tohma, but the obvious love he felt for the kid kept me from doing so. And then Mika asked Yuki if he wanted to hold him, and Yuki said no and Mika smiled and forced him to anyway, and Yuki just stared at him, holding him out at arm's length like he didn't know what the fuck he was supposed to do, before the kid make a gurgley sound, and the softest expression I have ever seen appeared on Yuki's face. He bounced him on his knee and actually showed some kindness without being forced. And he smiled. I felt like I was trespassing, Mika, Yuki, and Tohma in their own little world, one that I could never even hope to be a part of. I was suddenly nineteen again, and I would never have the bond, the connection with Yuki that these two have. I was jealous, and scared, and bitter, but I just sunk into the couch and out of the conversation, occasionally offering a smile or a nod to let everyone know that Shuichi was just fine. I didn't want to ruin it for them, so I remained quiet for the rest of the evening, and was even polite when we said goodbye.

Yuki asked me why I was so quiet, and I told him it was nothing and he glared down at me and I kissed him on the cheek and giggled, and he just glared some more and I silently prayed that we'd get into a car accident where a passenger-side impact would kill me instantly. I figured he'd mourn my death as stylishly as ever, wearing his designer clothes, cigarette dangling from his mouth, staring coolly at my casket as my sister tearfully read my eulogy, fans and reporters surrounding the funeral, waiting for Yuki's reaction. And then Yuki would walk up to my casket and stub his cigarette out on the finished mahogany, and then he'd walk away from me forever, only to find the perfect woman the very next day, who'd hear his sob story and fall madly in love with him, and then they'd have four babies, and Yuki have the same look he gave Eiri today on all the time. At least that's how I imagined it.

When we made it back to the apartment, Yuki wanted sex and I couldn't say no to him so we did it twice and he threw me out of the room in complete confusion when we were halfway through the third time and I started to cry. I didn't mean to, it sort of just happened, and then he told me to stop it, so I cried harder, and he pushed me away and grabbed his cigarettes, and I just cried at the end of the bed until he told me to get out. So I grabbed a pair of shorts and a tank top from the bureau and made my way to the couch, completing my journey through my nineteenth year.

I woke up under a blanket, of course, because Yuki, sometime early that morning, was bound to wake up and realize he threw me out when I was crying _while we were having sex,_ and this would strike him as out of the ordinary and he'd feel like a complete asshole about it, so to compensate for being a complete asshole, he'd cover me in a blanket to reassure me that he still cared, and then ignore me and write for the rest of the day. You have to have lived with Yuki for as long as I have to understand his little gestures. At this point, I was expected to get up and peek into his office, looking all small and adorable wearing my pj's and little white socks to complete the "Pedophile's dream" image, and I was to apologize to him for acting like such a spaz the night before, and he'd grunt incoherently and I'd press the matter until he told me to shut up and go away because he has "deadlines." However, it seems I'd grown a backbone overnight, so instead of crawling into Yuki's office, I got dressed as silently as I could, grabbed some Pocky, and went off to wander Tokyo aimlessly for the remainder of my Saturday.

I ended up in the park, Pocky long gone, sitting on a bench in a poor disguise, watching people walk by. After a while I started to play this game, where I'd look at the women who walked by and see if they'd be a good match for Yuki when I'd died, whether or not they were tall enough, or thin enough, or had the right color hair or shoes or taste in clothes because I wanted the girl who has Yuki's babies to be just perfect for him. Then I started wondering what their babies would look like, so I went to a department store and bought a camera and a sketchbook and took pictures of the girls and drew pictures of what their babies would look like, but then I decided that that certainly wasn't enough information so I started giving interviews, pretending to take a survey for a popular magazine, until I ran out of film and paper in my sketchbook. After I finished developing their pictures, I taped them into the correct spots and wrote down their phone numbers and addresses. It was already eight in the evening by that point, and I hadn't eaten all day, so I went to a grocery store and bought some more pocky and walked around, circling the best choices for Yuki's wife.

By nine that evening I was exhausted, lost, and miserable, and I knew that Yuki wouldn't even thank me for all the hard work I'd done to find him the right wife once I was out of the picture, which only made me think about what would happen when I _was_ out of the picture, which led me back to the park where I cried my eyes out until ten. It wasn't until that point, of course, that I realized I was in front of Hiro's apartment building, so I asked for him at the door and he buzzed me up.

Hiro and Ayaka had just sat down to dinner, and they actually looked happy to see me, so I ate with them. It was kind of pleasant after the day I'd had, until I was playing with Tomoko and watching Hiro and Ayaka clean up, and I saw how they complimented each other, even when doing ordinary household chores. They just looked at each other with that same shy affection they'd had when they first started dating, and I felt decidedly out of place. Ayaka was just about to bring in dessert when I put Tomoko down and thanked them for their hospitality. I grabbed my coat before Hiro could protest, and had made it down the hallway before he caught up with me. He looked worried, and he had the sketchbook I'd spent the day filling under his arm. He said that I forgot it, but I knew he was really asking what it was, and I knew he'd probably looked inside already. I gave him one of my disarming smiles and took it, thanking him, before telling him awkwardly that it was "just some research." He gave me the "concerned" Hiro look, and I took off down the hallway before he could ask me anything else.

I didn't get home until midnight, and I couldn't help but notice the silence when I entered the apartment. I could see the light in Yuki's office when I walked in, and I was secretly pleased that he'd stopped typing when I closed the door. He obviously knew I was home, but he would stay in his office like he always did, trying to pretend he didn't care, and wait until I went in to bother him to pounce me like he always does. I made my way into the living room and jammed my sketchbook, which I'd lovingly entitled "Yuki's Prospects," pleased that I'd been able to come up with such a good name, under the couch. Yuki would be proud, if I showed it to him now, but I supposed that would have to wait until later. Instead of going to his office, I walked through the bedroom, stripping off my clothes, and turned the shower on. I liked making the shower as hot as I could make it, because once that burning feeling went away, my skin would turn all pink and tingly. I left the door unlocked, knowing full well that Yuki would come after me. Which he did. Twice.

Later that night I cuddled into his back, feeling lethargic, and since I knew he wouldn't lower himself to cuddling back until he fell asleep and did it unconsciously, I was content with what I had. I also knew that he was still awake, because the muscles in his back weren't relaxed, and I was almost positive it was because he was dying to ask what happened the night before, and where I was all day. I felt a little bit guilty for worrying him, but it was kind of fun having a secret to keep from Yuki. I'd have to be careful the next time I went out wife hunting for him, because I couldn't give anything away. Before I fell asleep, I also made a mental note to buy a nicer camera and a bigger sketchbook.

I spent the next five Saturdays wife hunting, and every time I came in late Yuki would be awake, but he never asked. He spent even more time in the evening at his computer, and most nights I ended up on the couch for minor offenses, and I could tell my secret was really bothering him, but until he asked about it, I wasn't about to tell him. Hiro started acting really worried about me as the months went by, mainly because I was always busy on Saturdays, and I was neglecting the band. Even Suguru and K took notice, and they kept pestering Hiro about me whenever they thought I wasn't around. I always kept up my cheerful demeanor around them, and once I knew they were watching me, I was on my best behavior. Or, well, at least on my normal behavior. Whatever normal is for me, anyway.

Sometimes when Yuki wasn't around I would embellish my sketchbooks. I liked to buy scrap-booking materials and make fancy borders around the girls I thought were the best for him. I admit, it cut into my free time, but I wanted Yuki to have his choice of the best girls in Tokyo for his future wife. Hiro started alluding to the ones he'd seen, but I became very good at acting like I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Besides, they couldn't be on my case all the time. Hiro had Ayaka, K had Judy, and Suguru had... well, Suguru had a life outside of Bad Luck, just like everybody else. So what if I'd taken up a new hobby?

As the months went by I ran out of things I could do with "Yuki's Prospects", and I was getting increasingly frustrated with Yuki anyway. I mean, I knew he was stubborn, but he'd have to be dense not to have asked about where I was going on those Saturdays. I started looking forward to it, you know? Like my birthday, or when you're waiting for a package. I would wake up all excited, and the excitement would build and build, only to have my hopes crushed at the end of the day. Yuki just seemed mad all the time, but sometimes I would catch him with this weird, worried look on his face. Other than that, he was unfazed by my weekly disappearances. He started lashing out at me too, and he became even more critical of my music, and just about everything else. His insults, which had once been kind of cute, because it was his way of paying attention to me, became actual complaints about my character. It hurt, to have him say those things and actually mean it. I... was making Yuki unhappy. We both knew it, I just... couldn't help myself. Maybe it was wrong for me to want him to pay attention to me.

After a while I just stopped caring. Yuki was too stubborn to say anything, and I wasn't going to back down, so we were at a stalemate. The apartment was quiet. Really quiet. I think it started to bother Yuki after a while. He'd come in and yell at me to turn my music down, and I'd actually listen to him. We ate dinner in silence, when I ate at all. After a while I didn't even play music anymore, and I'd watch TV with the volume turned down to the point where I couldn't even hear it. I became restless, and more than a little upset, until about three months into it.

It was a carbon copy of evenings before it, Yuki was typing and I was finishing the last page on "Yuki's Prospects," when I put the last sticker down and closed the book, satisfied. I slipped it under the couch before I started to cry, hugging my knees to my chest, the realization hitting me. The scrapbook was a prelude to my suicide. It was my time limit, my last straw, I had been putting all of my hope and faith and certainty into the fact that before I finished the book, Yuki would come and ask me what was wrong and I would cry and tell him and he'd call me an idiot, and he'd tell me that he loved me and that he'd never leave me, and that no wife or child could possibly replace me, and things would go back to normal. I had wanted so badly for him to find out, to talk to me, hell, I would have settled for Hiro coming and demanding what was wrong so that Yuki could find out the truth, but those convenient times in my past were behind me. Nobody was looking after me anymore. I wasn't the center of everyone's universe, they had wives and kids and social lives, even jobs to make them happy, to keep them going, and no one was going to watch out for Shuichi. I wasn't nineteen anymore.

I think I knew that Yuki wouldn't come before I'd even begun.


	2. 02

Same Disclaimer as before, emphasis on how much I don't own Gravitation. A huge thank you to all who reviewed. Your comments made my week, so I decided to get out this chapter ASAP, which mainly involved skipping out on my homework, but who needs to pass anyway?

Chapter 2

If there was anything I ever envied about Seguchi Tohma, (closeness to Yuki aside) it was that no matter the situation, he could keep a straight face. I mean, you could probably shoot him in the toe and kill his wife, and he'd still be wearing that tiny smirk, with those darkly amused little eyes that could freeze you to the core, accented with that tilted hat that made him look like a shark or a serial killer, predatory and knowing. I only wish I could have managed the control Tohma did, keeping my emotions wrapped up tight, so that no one was the wiser to what I was doing. It's kind of difficult, wearing your heart out on your sleeve all the time, and by the end of the day I felt frayed, worn, and open to attack.

Yuki found me like that, crying on the floor, a few hours later.

His reaction wasn't what I expected, but neither was my response. He asked me flat out what the fuck was wrong with me this time, and I hugged my knees tighter to my chest and told him in that whiny, teary voice I often adapt that it was nothing, and so he sat down next to me on the floor and put his hand on my head. It was comforting and awkward at the same time, because Yuki wasn't used to being the one to offer comfort and I wasn't used to getting any from him, but we managed, sitting in the silence that seemed to have overthrown the usual chaos of our apartment.

I asked him what he would do if I died. It was probably the last thing he was expecting me to say from the way his eyes narrowed and his temple twitched, and he didn't look at all pleased. Then he asked me, in that low, dangerous voice of his, if that's what this was all about, and I only sunk my head further between my knees in reply. Instead of hitting me, or condemning me to the couch like I expected him to, he only let out a sigh and rolled his eyes, standing up and walking to the balcony, his countenance reflected by the glass and the night-lights of Tokyo. In that same soft voice, the one I was so used to hearing the blunt truth from, he told me simply that as long as I was alive, he didn't have to worry about it, and once I was gone he'd move on, just as I would do if something happened to him. It was a typical Yuki answer, one I should have expected, but at that moment I wasn't prepared for his cold response as it drove it's way into my mind like the shattered glass windshield of a car accident.

I went back to sulking, retreating into my old habits, as I'm prone to do, feeling wounded and alone. When he walked back over to me, he lifted my chin with his hand and whispered an affectionate "baka," before kissing me. It wasn't the normal, fierce kiss that I had come to associate with Yuki, but it was soft, bittersweet comfort from someone who was used to breaking me apart and putting me back together. I didn't want his pity, or his failed attempt at romance, but I gave in just like I always do, because this was Yuki, the same Yuki who I'd built my whole world around, and I knew that I couldn't deny him anything no matter how hard I tried.

With the end of that kiss he assumed I was healed, as though such a small offering of kindness would pacify me like it used to. His kisses reverted to their predatory nature, and within minutes I was back in his bedroom, naked and vulnerable and more alone than I had ever been during the entirety of our relationship. I murmured his name over and over, if only out of habit. Perhaps it was then that I decided what I would do, as his name faded into the darkness of his bedroom. He couldn't cage me with my own professions of love any longer without expecting something to give.

I couldn't look him in the eyes as the dull sounds of sex reverberated through the apartment. That's what it had come to, hadn't it? Just sex, nothing more, and my own detachment didn't surprise me as much as I'd expected it to. Inside I was screaming, scrambling to find the reasons I wouldn't be able to go on if Yuki wasn't there for me, but I only came up empty-handed. I knew I loved Yuki. I knew I would always love Yuki, and that after this night I would never be the same, but even my fierce attachment to this man couldn't keep me here any longer, not when our entire relationship remained in limbo, unaffected by the passage of time.

I smiled then, and whispered endearments softly into his ear when we finished, and he looked more peaceful than he had in months. I was surprised when he held me, giving me permission to cuddle next to him, but I felt it was an oddly fitting end to the events of the past few months. He breathed evenly into my hair, eyes closed, and I watched him sleep soundlessly, seeing for the last time how slumber peeled away his defenses and made him look like the young boy with the charming smile I'd seen in so many pictures.

I woke up earlier than usual, but Yuki was already awake, holed up in his office, as I knew he'd be all day. I had work in a few hours, but I decided I would ignore my responsibilities for the day and went about gathering my belongings. It was slightly depressing how little there was for me to carry, simply two duffel bags of clothing and miscellaneous electronics equipment, as well as my CD collection and some of the Grasper tapes I hadn't been able to part with. I made it to the door as quietly as I could, focusing solely on my objective, so that I could avoid thinking about what I was going to do with Yuki out of the picture. I opened the door, half expecting Yuki to dash out of his office and convince me to stay, when I realized I hadn't thought about what to do with the key. Slipping a hand into my pocket, I kissed it once, my last tie to Uesugi Eiri, and placed it on the mantel next to the door.

It was awkward, getting looks from passers-by as I made my way to the bank, and I expected them to throw me out before I could make a withdrawal from my account. I managed, however, and caught a bus to a place across the city from where Yuki was, desiring some distance between us to ensure I wouldn't crawl back to him so easily this time. I rented a small but chic apartment in one of the more popular areas of Tokyo, which offered less privacy than Yuki's apartment, but I almost wanted the neighbors to know who I was, because I was bound to get lonely living by myself. I settled in, the apartment making me feel suddenly small, and I put my things away before I broke down.

I suddenly missed Yuki with enough force to knock me to the ground in tears, my heart mourning the loss of something that had been the center of my universe for such a long time. I had poured five years of effort into our relationship, and all I had to show for it was a sheet of faded photo stickers and a handful of happy memories. I can't remember how long I cried, but it was early the next morning before I dragged myself into the bathroom to get cleaned up. My face was puffy and red, and my eyes were swollen to the point that it hurt to blink, so I washed my face with cold water and turned on the shower, scrubbing at my skin until it turned pink. I had the sudden urge to finish what I'd started with the sketchbook; after all, I was on one of the highest floors of my apartment building, and I could easily make it over the balcony. Before those thoughts could take root in my mind, however, I decided that I wouldn't want to hurt the band or my family by dying in such an embarrassing way, and the media stir would probably annoy Yuki even more than my previous exploits.

After a breakfast of the leftover pocky I'd brought from Yuki's apartment, I decided to go out shopping for the rest of the things I'd need for living on my own. I decided against buying pots and pans, though I had improved in the cooking department under Yuki's strict supervision, it wasn't by much and I didn't feel like getting food poisoning this early in the morning. I found an all-night grocery and bought a bunch of instant things I could cook in the microwave that came with my apartment, and picked up a dozen more packages of pocky, knowing full well that I'd probably need more by the end of the day. That finished, I wandered aimlessly, only having to run and hide once when a horde of screaming fans recognized me and chased me down the side streets around my building. I was happy with my choice in neighborhoods, and even though it was fairly crowded it seemed very nice and clean, and some of the clubs I'd spotted caught my interest. It even had convenient places to hide in if I should ever need them.

I returned to my apartment late that evening, packages in hand, and once I'd put everything away and exhausted the interesting channels on TV, I started trying to come up with what I could possibly do to keep myself occupied enough so that I'd stop thinking about Yuki. Eventually I resorted to counting the ceiling tiles and seeing what pictures I could make out of abnormalities in the plaster, but every picture I saw had a habit of somehow turning into Yuki, which only made me even more depressed. I wondered briefly what Ryuichi would do, but seeing as how I had no crayons, and wasn't yet desperate enough to talk to stuffed animals, I began thinking about Tohma. Perhaps there was a void in his life much like the one I had now that led him to creating NG Records. I thought briefly about what it would be like to create BL Records, but that only served to remind me of BLT's and sandwiches, and as I'd predicted, I then finished off the rest of my pocky.

I drifted for a time in that place between waking and sleeping, staring blankly at the static of my television, before I made a decision. Tohma was powerful, cold, and knew what it took to make it in the music business, but he'd made NG into an ant farm for his amusement. I was bored, certainly, but I wasn't cruel enough to turn a record label into my own personal reality show. Maybe this was the change I needed. I was looking for control, and wouldn't it be interesting to create my own new rival, much like Tohma had done with Bad Luck? It would fill the void that Grasper's retirement had left in me, and it would keep me occupied. Maybe starting my own label wasn't the answer, but perhaps I could start small by backing a band with talent.

Unfortunately, I was so involved in the music business, I knew what kind of talent was out there, and I knew there wasn't anyone who had the drive or dynamics that could possibly compare to Grasper or Bad Luck. I wasn't about to back a band that didn't have a chance at catching up to our skill. That would take all the fun out of what I wanted to accomplish. It took me until three in the morning to come up with a solution, but I wasn't sure it was one that I was completely ready for. I went over my options repeatedly in my head, but in my early-morning stupor I wasn't clever enough to come up with anything better, and as I had the tendency to latch onto an idea and never let go, my mind was made up.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I was terrified beyond all reason, and I knew that my actions were going to have severe consequences, both in the music industry and on my own mental health, but in my own masochism I found myself channeling Seguchi Tohma. I wanted to take this idea and play with it, stretch it and mold it and see how far I could take it. I wanted to take a band from the edge of hopelessness and turn them into an act so good, it would rival the best of the best, and I'd have to work twice as hard to stay one step ahead. I wanted to take these outcasts and give them everything they ever dreamed of, and they would owe their success to my own benevolence. I wanted to taste their victory as Seguchi Tohma must have tasted my own. I was going to resurrect ASK and make them into what they would have been if I'd never been a part of the picture.

I woke up the next morning upside-down in a leather recliner, disoriented because this most certainly wasn't Yuki's couch, but reality hit me like a sack of bricks as I recalled the previous evening. With those foggy memories came my plans for ASK, of course, and even though it made me feel a little bit sick, I knew I was going to go through with it, if only to prove to everyone that I was made of much stronger stuff than they thought. While I was on that subject, I wondered briefly what everyone thought of me. I mean, I was a whiny crybaby when I wasn't acting like I had Attention Deficit Disorder, and my moments of lucidity, which were few and far between as it was, didn't last or effect my decisions. I was selfish, often naïve, and completely obsessed with being the center of attention.

Everything about me was loud, my voice, my appearance, hell, even my mannerisms screamed "Look at me! Look at me!" Why else would I dye my hair pink? I craved the spotlight like Yuki craved nicotine and alcohol, and for the first time I wondered what he could possibly have seen in me. Yuki's a pretty quiet guy, and he's intelligent, two things which I can't seem to achieve, no matter how hard I try. We're opposites, and even though they supposedly attract, I don't see how he could have put up with me for so long. I was the bright pink stain on his pristine white life. It must have driven him nuts, having to attend so many social events with me where I would end up completely humiliating him one way or another. It must drive Hiro and Suguru nuts too, having to put up with me when I act like such a child. K probably doesn't mind my antics so much, if only because the more attention I draw to myself, the more records I sell, but that's just his agenda. With the way he's always pushing us into everything, he should go into drug dealing. At least that way he'd get to use his weapons more effectively.

Maybe that was the problem. I'd gone from living at home to living at Yuki's to crashing at Hiro's without once doing things on my own. Admittedly, the music thing had been my idea, but I used Yuki, Hiro, K, Suguru, even Tohma as crutches to keep me standing. I'd never once in my life been independent, and this constant reliance on other people for things to do, a place to stay or people to lavish attention on me had to have taken it's toll on all of my relationships. Maybe not being with Yuki anymore was the painful step I needed to take to grow up and get a life of my own. If I hadn't left when I did, I probably never would have.

During my period of introspection, I'd managed to eat the entire contents of my refrigerator and cabinets, and was surrounded on all sides by empty wrappers. I cleaned up after myself and went out to fetch more groceries, before scouring the phone book to find the address of one Taki Aizawa. I knew it probably wasn't wise to confront ASK with my proposition just yet, so I wrote down the number to save for later, and spent the rest of the day writing bitter songs of heartbreak and loneliness on the back of a take-out menu.

I spent the next week like that, breaking in my new apartment. After the first two days, I finally got it together enough to remember to call in sick to work, but I refused to talk for longer than sixty-seconds because I really didn't want to talk to Hiro, as he had a habit of gleaning things out of me that I'd prefer stay hidden, and if I'd stayed on the phone any longer K probably would have traced the call and tracked me down, dragging me back to work at gunpoint. From what I understood, Suguru was angry with me for ditching work without calling in, grumbling under his breath about the fine mess I'd managed make of my life, and Hiro worried over me like he always does. Of course, this was only what I could gather from brief phone conversations, but it was better that I stay away from them while I was getting myself together.

Suguru was probably right, my life was a complete mess, but that didn't mean I wasn't able enough to pick myself up and start over again. I was really going to do it, I was going to give my personality a complete overhaul, and when I went back to work I would be made up of stronger stuff than even Seguchi Tohma had been. I started making lists and organizing my apartment, and for the first time in my life I read something other than magazines, tabloids, or the occasional music book I used to pick up. I had enough free time to really apply myself to something, so I got interested in improving my memory and looking into what it took to start up my own record label, which became my eventual goal. I read a few books on poetry, but I had to buy a dictionary to look up most of the words, and with the way I was going it took me hours to read twenty lines so I gave up on that particular endeavor. I did want to improve my vocabulary so that I could write more profound lyrics, so I went into bookstores and picked up some of the classics. I gave up on those too, because the stories was so dry and my attention span is so short, but I managed to find a few books I liked, and looked for similar titles.

About two weeks into my little "vacation" I was halfway through a trashy romance I'd picked up when I put the book down to go grab dinner and I discovered the name on the front cover was Yuki Eiri. I briefly traced over the raised letters with my fingertips before I realized what I was doing, and I had to try really hard not to let the pain in my chest overwhelm me. It hurt that I gravitated toward him when I didn't even realize it, unconsciously selecting one of his books out of all the novels I could possibly have picked. It occurred to me then that I hadn't seen Yuki in two weeks, which had been rare even when I went on tour with the band, but in my mind I saw it as a little personal victory. It had been two weeks, and even though it still hurt, the pain wasn't as raw as it was before, and I was surviving. I was better than surviving, I was getting some semblance of a life together, and I was working harder and doing more than I ever had when I was with Yuki!

Two weeks stretched into four, and after that K told me the band was on hold temporarily until I got my "affairs" in order. I kept busy with random projects, and I started smiling more often, even when I was feeling down. I got so good at faking how I really felt that every emotion I managed to hide from the world gave me this fierce sense of pride. I was in control for the first time in my life, and it was exhilarating. I started going out to clubs after that. It was strange not having Yuki to come home to, but in a way it released me from my childish way of pretending that my life and my relationships were perfect. My world before this had always been sugarcoated, but the gauze that kept me from reality was finally gone. I saw deceit and lies and anger and bitterness in the people around me for the first time. I no longer drifted in a world where everyone was inherently good. I watched people with rapt fascination, adulterers meeting at secluded cafés near my building, thieves and prostitutes wandering the streets just after dusk, dark eyes and dark souls peering out from every corner of the world no matter the time of day.

I'm not saying I lost my enthusiasm or my optimism, because that wasn't the case. I merely found wisdom and insight to the nature of people, and I was slowly learning that yes, it was okay to trust in people, but I had to stay aware and choose who I put my faith in carefully. I found joy in little things in life, like the fresh smell of pork buns in a bakery down the street, or the way the baker would put such care and tenderness into every loaf of bread he baked that every little design was like a seal of approval. Can you tell I discovered a lot about food while I wasn't working? It seemed like I was eating constantly, trying new things every time I went out to eat, or picking up an old favorite to give me comfort when I was alone at home. It wasn't as comforting when I discovered I'd gained ten pounds, but that only led me to steel my resolve and get a gym membership. Hiro would die laughing if he ever saw me at the gym, all skinny arms and knobby knees, completely outdistanced by all the bulky people there, but I was having fun and staying in shape for when I decided to return to music.

By the end of six weeks the tabloids had picked up on my absence and had started rumors about Bad Luck breaking up, but K fielded everything in the calm, collected way he always does, which apparently had something to do with a hijacked news copter and a Smith & Wesson, but I appreciated it. My life was peaceful, when my fans weren't hounding me, and so far no one had decided to disturb me. It was nice and all, but I wasn't the type to let things stay quiet for too long, and one morning I woke up, got dressed, and found that scrap of paper with Aizawa's address on it. I was going to pay him a visit, and by the end of the day I'd know whether or not I had developed a hard enough skin to be able to cope with the new changes in my life. This was the first and hardest test that I would put myself through.

I took the bus to the small apartment building on the outskirts of Tokyo that had been listed under Aizawa's name. I felt faint as I climbed the stairs, and I pulled my coat tighter to my chest willing myself not to throw up all over his landing. I wasn't wearing my usual flamboyant attire, instead opting for dark colors, if only in an attempt to intimidate whatever was waiting for me behind that door by wearing something so out of character. It had been five years since I'd had to see Aizawa Taki, five blissful years where I'd been able to ignore my past and pretend that this man hadn't ever existed. "Why now?" I pondered briefly as I lifted my hand and knocked on the door. I knew I should have bolted in the other direction the moment I'd arrived here, but it was too late to run like a coward, tail between my legs, and besides, if I could handle this, I could handle anything.

Aizawa himself opened the door, hair mussed from sleep, and I couldn't help but notice his well worn t-shirt and jeans, or the muscles he'd developed over five years of having to work at minimum wage jobs that lesser men wouldn't have been able to stomach. If I knew Tohma at all, he'd have made sure that Aizawa had been reduced to a broken shell of a man, dreams shattered through his own desperate actions, unable to find jobs but the lowest of the low. This, however, wasn't what I was expecting. If anything, Aizawa was more attractive now than he'd been when I knew him all those years ago, taller, stronger, and more masculine, but it also appeared he'd been forced to learn humility the hard way. His hands were callused when once they'd been neat and manicured, and his eyes had more wrinkles around them than I remembered.

He froze when he recognized me, and any plans I'd gone over in my head for this first meeting had flown out the window. We both sort of gaped at each other, unable to think of what we could possibly say, and I felt like my foot was caught in the train tacks with the four o'clock speeding my way, right on time. The silence only made the situation even more uncomfortable, before he weakly managed a "Shindou," and I stared at him with what I hoped was a face that looked less frightened than I felt. It wasn't until I heard a voice coming from back in the apartment that I managed to collect myself, but any organization I had was thrown out the window when Ma-kun walked into view, wearing only his boxers, in a disheveled state that matched Aizawa's as he inquired who was at the door. I blinked. It was the middle of the afternoon. I blinked again. This couldn't possibly mean what I thought it meant. Ma-kun walked to the door, and uttered the very same explicative that was repeating over and over in my mind.

What the fuck? Aizawa Taki and his former bandmate were together? I thought for a moment that it probably would have happened to Hiro and I if Yuki and Ayaka hadn't been in the picture, but the fact that the asshole who'd tried to ruin Yuki's career as well as my own was actually in a relationship with someone, and from the look of it a healthy relationship, was just too much. They stood next to each other awkwardly, and I watched in amusement as Ma-kun made a move to protect Aizawa from whatever horrible new thing my presence meant for their already messed-up lives. Aizawa seemed to shrink away from me, a painful reminder of everything he'd lost, as Ma-kun put a hand on his shoulder and looked at me expectantly. I couldn't help what happened next.

I laughed. I laughed longer and harder than I ever remember laughing in my entire life. They both looked at me in wary confusion as I held my sides and leaned against the railing for support, knees giving up on me as I sunk to the ground. After a few minutes, I managed to get myself under control, wiping at the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I stood up and regained my composure, and Aizawa and Ma-kun still stood watching me carefully in the doorway, before I walked over to them and told them I just wanted to talk. Ma-kun nodded, as though he'd been expecting something like this to happen, and led me into their humble apartment.

It was small, but serviceable, and it suited their needs just fine. Ma-kun led me to a small couch in the cramped living area, and the both of them left to "go get some tea," which I assumed meant make themselves presentable and talk about my decision to stop by where I wouldn't hear them. I let my eyes roam the apartment, which was cluttered, but looked as though it was well loved. They returned a few minutes after that, and Ma-kun attempted to start a conversation while Aizawa tried to look anywhere but at me. We made awkward small talk as Ma-kun poured the tea, but once we all had cups in our hands I was tired of these bullshit pleasantries and wanted to get to the point.

Ma-kun seemed to expect this, and he listened to my proposition carefully, occasionally glancing over to look at Aizawa. I offered them a record deal with my full support that not even Tohma could interfere with, with a small company that I'd researched that wasn't affiliated with NG and was very interested in talented groups in a market that was currently flooded with wannabes that all sounded the same. I went on to tell them that despite past... unpleasantness, I was fully willing to let all three former members of ASK be a part of this project, no strings attached, and that I wouldn't require any fees or favors in the future.

I could tell Ma-kun was waiting for the catch, and Aizawa was still quietly listening in his little corner of the room, so I sipped at the tea and waited for their reactions. I was surprised when Aizawa was the first to respond. He told me that he deserved whatever punishment I had to give him, but that it wasn't fair to dangle something that Ma-Kun and Ken had wanted so badly in front of their faces in order to get my revenge. Our eyes met briefly before he looked away again, and he told me that despite what I thought, he'd changed, and he'd never bother me again, so he'd appreciate it if I left all of them alone. He paused for a few moments, the silence deafening, when he added a soft "I'm sorry, Shindou Shuichi."

I didn't come here expecting an apology, but for some reason I felt like an old wound that had been lurking in the back of my mind finally started to close. Without realizing it, I thanked Aizawa softly, closing my eyes, before I opened them again quickly. So much of this visit hadn't gone as I'd imagined it, but they seemed as shocked and uncomfortable with the admissions of the last few minutes as I was, and the room fell into silence once again. Ma-kun left moments later, with the excuse that he needed to refill our teacups, which left Aizawa and I alone together. He kept his eyes glued to the floor, and I talked. I told him that the past was the past, and that my offer was genuine. I also mentioned the fact that what Tohma did to them wasn't my doing, and was more for Yuki's sake than my own. He looked up at me and replied suspiciously that it wouldn't matter what they did because those pictures would haunt them for the rest of their lives, but I let him know that I'd gotten the negatives and destroyed them personally, especially once NG was under new management and Bad Luck had become bigger than Grasper.

He asked me why, and I told him simply that I wanted someone to chase after me like I'd chased after Ryuichi, and that ASK was probably the only group that would have ever had the chance, which he seemed to accept. Ma-kun eventually rejoined the conversation, and we fell into a comfortable conversation, as though we'd been old friends and had only lost touch for a few years, as opposed to the harsh reality. By the end of the evening we all seemed to have come to our senses, and the uncomfortable air that had almost completely disappeared was back in full force. I got up when I knew it was time to go, and gave them my number should they make any decisions. I caught a train back to the station near my apartment and ate out that night, before returning to my apartment. There was already a message on my machine.


	3. 03

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who wrote a review. It's strange, I never really wrote for any reason before, but your reviews inspire me all the same. I've been completely "winging it" as far as this story goes, because my mind has a habit of wandering all over the place, so I was surprised at the way it turned out. Please enjoy chapter 3, and forgive me, but I promise that there'll be more Yuki in it soon.

Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning completely tangled in the blankets at the wrong side of my bed. Yawning and scratching, I made my way to the bathroom, losing my pajamas along the way and hopping into the shower to clear my muddled thoughts. It wasn't until after about five minutes of standing dumbly under the hot spray that I remembered the events of the day before, at which point I squeezed the shampoo bottle too hard and got it all over the tub, and in an attempt to save my precious globs of translucent strawberry goo, I managed, of course, to fall flat on my ass. While uttering a slew of words that I'd care not to mention, I rubbed at my poor abused posterior, and discovered that on the way down I had managed to cut it on the sharp edge of the faucet. I also discovered that translucent strawberry shampoo, while smelling "yummalicious," really, _really _hurts when you get it into an open cut.

Cursing the invention of shampoo, faucets, and sharp or slippery things in general, I finished washing myself off, suddenly in a good mood. Ma-kun had called the night before, leaving a message that was trying to sound cool if only to retain what little pride they had left. I had immediately called back and after a conversation that was much shorter than I expected, he agreed to my terms, small traces of excitement evident in his voice. I wished then that things had been different for ASK, that they'd never had to lose hope, despite that they'd been the cause of their own downfall. I was just beginning to understand loss, and losing people hurts like jagged glass, but you can survive. I don't know what I'd have done if I were Taki. Not only had he lost any chance at fame and fortune, but he'd lost music as well. I'd die if I couldn't sing anymore. Although, once I really got thinking about it, Tohma probably wouldn't have done anything if I hadn't been seeing Yuki at the time, so really Yuki had been the cause of ASK's downfall. I smiled to myself, because I got some small degree of pleasure out of blaming Yuki for everyone's misfortune. I'd recently started playing a game where I'd choose a disaster and see in how many steps I could trace it back to Yuki, and even though I'm usually awful at games, I'm really quite talented at this one.

I dragged myself out of the shower in one piece, and had to do some tricky work with three mirrors to slap a few band-aids on my injured behind, and it was only then, standing stark naked and bending over backwards to examine my handiwork with the bathroom door wide open, that I realized I had company. Hiro stood fishy faced in the doorway and promptly dropped his bag. I blinked a few times, and instead of stammering like an embarrassed idiot like I usually do, I smiled and waved, walking out into my apartment before telling him casually that I'd be out as soon as I was dressed, and then strolling into my bedroom.

I threw on a shirt and some loose cotton pants, and then walked out into the apartment and gave Hiro a big hug, squeezing him as tightly as I could. Despite my training, I wasn't made of stone, and I'd missed Hiro like an amputee misses a limb. It didn't really occur to me how very long six weeks can be until I was finally talking to my best friend again. He'd been such a constant in my life; I wonder why I didn't bother giving him my new number? I could have used some company on the nights that were quiet and lonely, even if it was just contact over the phone. After brief greetings, Hiro launched into a long schpiel about how much he, Tomoko, and Ayaka had missed me and how worried they all had been, at which point I remembered why I hadn't wanted to talk to Hiro for that long.

It was a different experience altogether actually listening to Hiro for once, instead of ignoring him and whining about my own problems like I used to. It was interesting how much he had to say, and most of it was funny and intelligent and insightful. We talked about what he'd been up to for the six weeks we'd been apart, and he went on for almost an hour talking about the vacation he and Ayaka had finally managed to go on. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy, listening to Hiro talk about his family, and you could tell how much he loved his wife and daughter from the affection that oozed from every word he spoke. It made me feel even better when I discovered that I no longer resented Hiro for his happiness. We spoke for a really long time, and I always managed to distract him whenever he tried to rope me into telling him what had been going on in my life. He finally asked me flat out whether or not Yuki and I were fighting, at which point I informed him that it was kind of hard to fight with someone when you're not even seeing them anymore.

He broke one of my teacups. It slipped from his hands the moment I'd spoken, as he stared at me in disbelief. He then launched into a long lecture about how much Yuki and I fought, and how we always somehow found our way back to each other, and then he told me that I was probably blowing things out of proportion like I always do. He blamed me for the delay of our newest CD, and told me that we'd worked too hard to have something like another one of my "little fights" keep everyone else from moving on with their lives. He went on to tell me to go and talk to Yuki, and then he reminded me that we'd been together for five years, and that it would be stupid on my part to just up and leave without an explanation. Speaking of explanations, he certainly didn't wait around for mine, and he went on telling me, in that motherly Hiro tone of his, that I was an idiot. I couldn't get a word in edgewise as he threw out assumptions and hidden accusations, but instead of crying like I wanted to, I schooled my expression to look as blank and unreadable as concrete.

I had been expecting this talk from the very beginning, but I'd assumed that it would come from Suguru, not Hiro. I mean, Hiro had always served as my pillar of strength, someone I could depend on in times of desperation, and here he was telling me that I was a worthless moron who wasn't allowed to have a life of my own. Not only that, but he wasn't even letting me tell him my side of the story! And since when was Hiro ever on Yuki's side? I frowned, at which point I realized that this conversation wasn't so much about my relationship with Yuki as it was about my relationship with Hiro.

I'd left without even telling him where I was going, and we hadn't spoken for six weeks. Come to think of it, I didn't even know how he'd managed to find my apartment, or how he'd gotten in. He must have been terrified about what could possibly make me do something like this, and he was probably even more frustrated that I wasn't giving him any answers. He probably thought I had gotten myself into a really bad situation, so bad in fact, that I couldn't even talk to him about it. I mean, Hiro and I talk about everything. I listen to his long conversations on what different colors of infant vomit mean, and he listens to the detailed explanations of my sex life, so there's very little territory we haven't covered. If I were in Hiro's position I'd probably lash out at him using the touchiest subject I could think of too.

I finally stood up and clamped a hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up. I then told him calmly that I was very, very sorry for my behavior toward him, because even I could see what an awful friend I was being. I even went so far as to apologize for all of the idiotic, messed up ways I'd managed to hurt him in all of our years of friendship. I also added the fact that my relationship with Yuki was over, and there was no way I was going to talk to him because it still hurt, but that it was nice to know that he was concerned for my welfare, even though he wasn't showing it in the most productive way. I finally let go of his mouth and sat next to him on the couch. He stared at me for a little bit, mostly because that was probably the longest I've ever spoken while still making perfect sense.

He hugged me, and I hugged him back because if there was anything I needed right then, it was a hug, and he apologized and I apologized and he poked me and I bit him and we ordered pizza and went out to buy beer and pocky. He even called Ayaka and told her what was going on, and I was stunned when he told me he'd spend the night, no women attached this time. We drank and sang and he told me everything that was going on back at work, and I told him about all the cool things I'd done on my time off, and we bonded like we hadn't done in years. He laughed for a good fifteen minutes when he discovered actual books in my apartment, and then he made fun of me for managing to cut myself on the ass while showering. I, in turn, kicked his ass at the video games I'd recently bought, and made fun of him when he tripped on a piece of pizza, and fell over completely drunk.

We both slept in my bed, which we haven't done in years, and I think by that point we were both pretty drunk anyway, so it didn't bother either of us. He pretended to snore, and I laughed, and even though we were tired we'd just be drifting off when one thing or another would make us wake up again. I waited until he closed his eyes before I told him quietly that his breath smelled like a dead cat, and he'd correct me and say that the cat was drunk, not dead, and we both laughed so hard I fell out of the bed, and onto my band-aid covered bottom. Then I yelled at him and pushed him out of bed, which then resulted in a wrestling match that Hiro ended up winning, but by that point there were no sheets on the bed anyway. We tried to put them back on but failed miserably in the dark, so we eventually gave up and just piled them on, burrowing in like two drunken bunnies. I told him about the drunken bunnies thing, which kept us awake for another good fifteen minutes, and by that point I just gave up on sleeping altogether. Besides, what's a little lost sleep when you've got your best friend by your side to suffer right along with you? We didn't end up falling asleep until about five the next morning.

I woke up at about noon with a nasty hangover, but I let Hiro sleep while I made us both special breakfasts, which consisted mostly of cereal bars and aspirin. He was awake by the time I went back in to the bedroom, and he appreciated the aspirin about as much as I did. We fell into conversation again, and it was nice to think that no matter what happened, talking to Hiro would always come naturally to me. He was kind enough not to mention Yuki again, probably because I looked well enough, hadn't been pining away after him, and might very well have gone completely psycho at him for bringing up such a painful subject. I wouldn't have, but it was nice to know that I could scare Hiro, even if it was only a little bit. It was well into the afternoon, when we were watching cartoons on my bed, when Hiro gently touched my arm and asked me when I was going to come back. I told him that I would when I was ready, and he nodded, before telling me that he really hoped that it would be soon.

He left a short while after that, talking animatedly about nothing in particular as he went off to go home. I clutched the doorframe as I watched him walk down the hallway, but I called out to him just as he stepped onto the elevator. "Monday." I told him. "Next Monday." He smiled warmly and said he'd call K and tell him, and I smiled back, feeling normal for the first time in weeks. I had a week and a day to begin what I needed to with ASK, but I'd stop running away from my responsibilities, and my friends. My apartment seemed empty when I went back inside, and I briefly pondered getting a roommate before I disregarded that idea, knowing full well that I'd probably end up with a complete nut job that was obsessed with Bad Luck. He'd probably either kill himself in tribute to my music or end up stealing my underwear. Either way it wouldn't end well.

Throughout the next week I met privately with Ma-kun, Aizawa, and Ken, going over plans I had for them. I was actually surprised to discover that Aizawa had written and rewritten dozens of songs, and though most of them were fairly depressing, they were all articulate and soulful. Ma-kun hadn't even been aware Aizawa had still been writing, and some of the songs discussed some extremely private thoughts, but I liked them even more for their personality. They were real, more real even than some of my own songs, and they barely seemed able to contain the raw emotion behind them. I got butterflies in my stomach. The scribbled writings I held in my hands were good. They were very good. They were what was going to bring ASK back into the spotlight, and probably to the top of the charts.

It seemed that Aizawa already had arrangements in his head, and they worked with more ferocity and diligence I'd ever seen in a band. I was giving them the second chance they thought they'd never get and they were going to play until their fingers bled, just in case they suddenly woke up and found out my offer had been a dream. When they walked into a recording room for the first time in five years, I watched their expressions carefully. Little by little, their faces regained some of the joy that I'd seen in them when ASK had been the only band on NG's list, and Bad Luck had just been a bad nightmare. It felt... right, to let them do this, to share their music with the world. How could Tohma have lived with himself when he silenced such talent? I mean he was a musician too, right? He had to have understood that burning desire that settles over your lungs and in your fingertips when you just want to play, to sing, to twist notes around your little finger and captivate the whole room. How could he have been so cruel as to deny them their music? I know that what Aizawa did wasn't right, but Tohma's actions weren't exactly worth sainthood either.

They spent most of the week tuning and tweaking their first single, taking suggestions from their new producer and manager, as well as a few things I threw out for them to consider. The company was very discrete, keeping my comings and goings a secret from the general public, and especially from those who would leak any information to NG. Tohma would probably be furious that I was undermining his authority; even though he was no longer the President of NG, he automatically assumed that everyone would comply with his wishes. If he ever got wind of what I was doing... well, he was bound to catch on sooner or later, but when he did, all hell would break loose, of that I'm certain.

As I'd promised, I went back into work the next Monday, all the while worried over ASK's progress, as well as anyone finding out my connection to them before I wanted them to. I managed not to give anything away, and Hiro looked very happy to have me back. Suguru, however, gave me a long involved speech that was almost a mirror image of the one Hiro had given me over a week earlier, to the point that even Hiro noticed the similarities. He blushed when Suguru really started digging into me about my responsibilities, at which point he finally told Suguru to "cram it" because I was having a hard enough time as it was without him making things worse than they already were. Hiro's never reprimanded Suguru before, mostly because the kid has that annoying Seguchi habit of always being right, so he looked a little bit surprised, and somewhat ashamed. He shocked the hell out of me when he went so far as to apologize for making assumptions about things he knew very little about. It was kind of sweet, knowing that they both missed me. At least somebody did...

It was business as usual for a while after that, except on weekends I worked with ASK on their album. Things were going very well, and it was almost complete by the end of that month. I'd given them a loan, and managed to find a nicer apartment close to where they'd be working so that they didn't have to travel so far all the time, and somehow we'd fallen into a relationship where we were almost friends. We talked fairly often, and even though I was still a little frightened of Aizawa, we still had civil conversations. We'd decided to release the single just before the holiday season to give us an advantage in the market, and we'd already prepared small publicity events for ASK to play at. I kept them pretty busy with things to do, but they managed to surprise me with their efforts the day before the single debuted.

Ma-kun had called me about an emergency down at the recording studio, so I got out of work and caught a ride there as fast as I could. Expecting the building to be in smoldering ruin, I was somewhat annoyed when I found everything to be in perfect working order. I found Ma-kun, Aizawa, and Ken in one of the small break rooms, talking around a cardboard box. All three looked up at my entrance, and their conversation immediately stopped. I was completely freaked out by their reaction, and wondered if they were planning anything, but those thoughts fled my mind when Aizawa stepped forward and handed me a small CD case. It was their single, the very first copy, signed by all three of them. The cover said "ASK Resurrected: Salvation" across the top, and I opened the case to see that there were two tracks, their single and a bonus track. I flipped the case over, and printed in small letters under the special thanks category was "To Shindou Shuichi."

I hugged the CD to my chest, biting my lower lip. Ken and Ma-kun both started talking at once, telling me how they'd worked hard to keep the second track a secret from me, because they'd wanted it to be a surprise, a thank you gift from all of them for giving them back the entire reason they'd even gone into music. It was... the first time anyone had ever put so much time and thought into giving me a gift. I had given them this chance for selfish reasons, because I was bored and needed a goal, a rival, something to keep me from thinking, and they'd turned around and written me a personal apology letter, for the entire world to hear. If I'd been the same Shuichi I was before, I would have cried then, but instead I clutched at my copy like a small child. This was precious. My most precious thing.

Aizawa walked forward and thanked me softly, before pulling me aside. He started telling me about how it drove him crazy that they'd worked so hard and all I'd had to do was sleep with some author to make it big. He'd been power-hungry and stupid and completely selfish, and it had cost him everything, but it had also destroyed Ma-kun and Ken's chances at fulfilling their dreams. It ate away at him for years, what he'd done to his friends and to me, a complete stranger who'd so suddenly become the object of his hatred, and in his obsession he'd completely lost sight of reason. All he'd wanted was to destroy me, no matter the cost. He was a time bomb, a train wreck waiting to happen, he'd become completely unhinged and desperate for the attention that I was taking away from ASK. I can't even remember why, but I started to open up to him too, to tell him about Yuki and my own personal tragedies. We were... commiserating. Only a few short months before, I had thought of Aizawa Taki as a cold bastard with no regard to anyone around him, and here I was now sharing sob stories with him as though I'd known him all my life.

Perhaps Aizawa and I weren't so different after all, the only thing separating us were the different degrees of insanity. I supposed you had to be a bit crazy to go into the music business in the first place, but Aizawa had spiraled downhill, weaving his own destruction, while I had taken my insanity and used it to my advantage, ignoring the bad things that happened to me and living only for my dreams. Certainly it was naïve of me, but it made me who I was, drove my success onward, and before I knew it I was on top of the world. We were both musicians, damn good musicians, and we both knew very well how to pretend. Had circumstances been different, perhaps I would have been the one to snap first and have Aizawa attacked.

Don't think I forgave Aizawa for what he did to me. I know that there's a part of me deep down that will never forgive him, but that night I gained understanding into the fears and insecurities of one Aizawa Taki, and I discovered that he wasn't so frightening after all. No, Taki wasn't the monster I'd made him out to be in my head. He was simply human, that's all, and we were both capable of hurting and being hurt, of loving and losing everything, of sinning and redemption. The night stretched on, and when I finally departed for the night, I held their small CD close to me, as if to protect it from the cold winds that whispered winter weather onto the streets of Tokyo.


	4. 04

Here we are already into the fourth chapter and I still don't know how the heck this story keeps running away and doing it's own thing. Oh well. I have to say I'm having a veritable cupful of fun, and I adore my reviewers. Thank you for being so kind, despite the fact that you're preventing me from having a life outside my computer. Also, Hiro's mad lockpicking skillz are revealed! On with the story!

Chapter 4

I could have cut the tension that had saturated the NG building the next morning with a knife. As I made my way to where Bad Luck usually held it's practices, I could see secretaries and interns literally diving to the left and right to avoid talking to me. I, of course, knew what all the commotion was about; ASK had dedicated a song to the lead singer of a band that was apparently the reason for their downfall. Even though I had been wrapped up in everything concerning Yuki at the time, I managed to read a few tabloids that featured ASK's disappearance, and even though they were way off on most of their facts, one thing was clear. ASK had broken up because of Shindou Shuichi. They would never know the true story, of that I had made sure, but the commotion ASK's dedication had caused would be all over the news by now. People probably assumed that the dedication was some joke at my expense; something meant to mock or damage me somehow, so I could barely hide a grin when I met up with Hiro, Suguru, and K.

K looked about ready to shoot something, but that's how he always looked, so I wasn't really worried. As an afterthought I made a mental note to myself to tell K not to kill any of the members of ASK, just in case he wanted to take the initiative and avenge my honor or something equally violent and stupid. Hiro looked like he was having a hard time keeping his mouth shut, and Suguru looked grim. Well, more grim than usual, anyway. We've got to get that kid on Ambien or something; he doesn't smile enough, and even when he does it looks kind of creepy. A bit like Tohma's smile, only Suguru seems a bit less likely to have you murdered. By that point I had figured out their game, and greeted them happily. They thought that I didn't know about ASK's comeback or their mysterious dedication, and they assumed that I'd break down the moment I found out, so an unaware Shuichi meant a happy Shuichi, and for K a happy Shuichi meant a productive Shuichi. I suppose I could understand that one. I had, after all, just come back from a six-week mental trip, and another one would mean that I'd have K after my head.

Speaking of K... I walked up to my card-holding NRA member friend and asked him bluntly if he was the reason Hiro had managed to break into my apartment a few weeks ago. K gave me his trademark grin and said he'd had people "keeping an eye on me" from the very beginning. I told him that he was kind of creepy sometimes and he laughed and called me a "rapscallion," before playfully ruffling my hair. I made another mental note to find out what "rapscallion" meant, and then I asked him how Hiro managed to actually get in to my apartment. K merely hinted that while I was away, Hiro had shown himself quite adept at picking locks, and for lack of anything better to do, well, let's just say that not only can Hiro get his keys out of his car when he accidentally locks them inside (he and Ayaka bought one, but Hiro still prefers his motorcycle), but he can also defend his car from terrorist attack.

Hiro blushed crimson when I poked him and told him that people with kids as cute as Tomoko should NOT be crack shots and ride around on motorcycles, but he poked me back and said that lead singers of famous bands should have spelling and vocabulary levels above the third grade, which ultimately resulted in a poking fight that was only resolved when _Suguru, _of all people, grabbed K's gun and shot it at the both of us. I pouted at K and told him that it wasn't fair that he taught everyone how to be snipers while I was gone, at which point K told me that he hadn't taught Suguru how to shoot. Hiro and I backed slowly away from Suguru, and it was only when K fired off a few rounds that we got back to work, their discomfort over keeping the ASK dedication a secret completely forgotten. With all the firearms around here, I thanked my lucky stars that Sakano'd had the foresight to bulletproof the floor that K worked on.

We actually managed to work on the CD that day, and finished the fifth track to everyone's satisfaction, even Suguru's. Suguru's a great guy, I adore the heck out of him, but when it comes to music he's completely obsessed with being bigger than Tohma. He practices obscene hours to stay in peak condition, but I always wondered which he loved more, the music or the competition. I admit I love the competition, but not more than I love just singing. Even if I don't have an audience, there are times when I just sing at the top of my lungs to convey whatever I'm feeling at that moment. It used to drive Yuki completely bonkers when I did that while he was working, so I only started doing it again when I got my own place. There's just something about voice and pitch and tone that I love, and the poetry and emotion that can be conveyed through music moves me like nothing ever will. Plus I get this nice tingly feeling knowing that maybe somewhere out there someone's listening to my music and feeling exactly the way I was when I wrote the song, so we're somehow connected through my music. If anything, that's what I like most of all. I like singing for other people, connecting with them for one brief moment, where we both know exactly what we're feeling and we become a part of each other. One day I'm going to find all the right words and the right music and I'm going to sing something so beautiful that whoever hears it, no matter where they are, will just pause for a moment and listen, and in those brief moments they'll find the purest, most indescribable joy that they've ever felt. I know I'll probably never attain that perfection, but I'll keep trying as long as there's breath in my lungs and a song in my heart. I know that all sounds corny and idealistic, but I suppose there are a lot of things about me like that.

We worked so hard that day that we skipped lunch, so by quitting time I was starving. We had all completely forgotten about the ASK single by that point in the afternoon, so I was taken completely off guard when I stepped out of the NG building and was swarmed by reporters, all babbling questions at me at once. I could hear Hiro yelling something as I was dragged into the crowd, and Suguru was trying desperately to get to me, but it would be K that managed to get to me first and help me into a big black car, taking out a few media leeches with a tazer as we went along. He was fairly quiet for the long ride back to my apartment, before he turned to me and asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk to him about. I told him that I knew about the ASK dedication, and he told me he wasn't surprised, but that he appreciated the work I was putting in despite my personal problems. He also said that I'd handled Suguru and Hiro very well that day. I'd managed to impress him by acting so mature and putting everyone in such a good mood. K asked for my feelings on the matter, and inquired about anything he could do to help, absently stroking his holster all the while, and I told him that under no circumstances did he have my permission to shoot anyone, especially members of ASK, because I didn't want Bad Luck to have anything to do with them.

It wasn't technically a lie of course, I really _didn't_ want Bad Luck to have anything to do with ASK because Suguru and Hiro had nothing to do with it, and as far as I was concerned there was no Bad Luck without either of them. This was just something I had started on my own, and something I was going to follow through with until the very end. I still felt kind of rotten for keeping things from K, but I wrote off my guilt, knowing full well that K would probably have a much better time finding out answers on his own. After we moved past K's concerns for my well being, we got into a deep conversation about what we were going to do now that we had rivals again, and it was evident that we were both pumped over finally having a rival worthy of Bad Luck. My plan was working precisely as I'd wanted, because once K decided that we'd have to work like maniacs to stay on top, he'd threaten the rest of us into giving 110.

He dropped me off at my apartment building before ruffling my hair again, and then he told me to call him if I ever needed anything. It was weird that we'd known each other for so long, but for some reason it had taken me until that very moment to realize that K was not simply "Manager K, the gun-nut who forces me to work", but he was also a friend. A really good friend, who we'd all become dependant on to get through days of being chased by fans and constantly having our personal lives disrupted and intruded upon. I was suddenly extremely grateful to him. He'd been away from his wife and child for months at a time for our sake, and we never really gave him anything in return. I paused before climbing back into the car and giving K a hug, which was really awkward because I could feel about twenty weapons concealed on his person, before I told him "thank you." He asked me what that had been for, and I merely replied "everything." I hopped back out before giving him a smile and a wave, and made my way into my building, a new jump in my step. It hadn't really occurred to me how very dear my friends were to me until right then, and I entered my apartment feeling very loved.

The media would just not give up for nearly two weeks after ASK's single debuted. I was actually quite pleased, if only for the fact that the media stir made sales skyrocket. They released their album a short time after that, and it was in the top ten within the first week. I had almost expected ASK to revert to their former cocky arrogance, but I was pleasantly surprised when they were modest about their success. I was even more impressed when the quiet, contemplative Aizawa I'd become accustomed to didn't change when he was in public. I accredited Taki's attitude to Ma-kun; the boy did wonders with Taki's personality, and I could tell that it was only through Taki's relationship with Ma-kun that he didn't kill himself all those years ago. It was also pretty obvious that Ma-kun adored everything about Taki, flaws and all. Of the three of them, I enjoyed talking to Ma-kun the most even though I probably had more in common with Taki. Ma-kun just seemed to breathe life into Ken and Aizawa, while still managing to keep everyone focused and grounded.

It suddenly became an unspoken rule around NG for everyone to stop talking when I entered a room, and every once in a while the uncomfortable silence around me got to be so humorous that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to laugh about it. Hiro and Suguru eventually got up the nerve to talk to me about how I was feeling, and after a while their incessant worrying made me snap. I chewed them out for worrying about something that I had told them repeatedly didn't bother me, and even though they probably didn't believe me, they dropped the subject. I do have to admit that I should have been damn convincing. I wasn't bouncing off the walls all the time, but I was always smiling and laughing, and since it really didn't bother me for obvious reasons, I must have been pretty convincing. Once things died down, it was business as usual, and we were ready to release our new album right before Christmas. It was at that point when all hell broke loose, as I'd earlier predicted, in the form of one Seguchi Tohma.

Apparently ASK had been giving a live interview and Ken had hinted at my involvement in ASK's comeback. Ma-kun had frozen, and it was obvious through their reactions that I was, in fact, involved. Then the interviewer had grilled the three of them about just what I'd been doing with ASK, and they'd gotten enough information from what ASK didn't say to blow everything wide open. The tabloids had a field day writing stories about how I was involved in strange love triangles and underhanded plots to overthrow NG records by using ASK to make a record company that was big enough to buy NG, so by that point all I could do was come up with a good story and pray to whatever God was listening that they bought it.

And buy it they did, luckily. I made a few statements about how crushed I was when Nittle Grasper retired and I had no rival to bring my music to the next level, so I'd forgiven ASK out of the goodness of my heart and helped them out. It wasn't complete bullshit, but it still left a bitter taste in the back of my throat. Hiro, K, and Suguru, however, were a different matter entirely. Hiro and K didn't actually speak to me for days, while I couldn't get Suguru to shut up about how I'd betrayed them all. I finally managed to get the three of them to listen to me, at which point I began telling them the real story. I'd been crushed when Yuki left me and I needed a distraction, but I also knew I wouldn't be able to move on until I faced the demons lurking on the surface of my mind, so I'd spoken to Aizawa, and I'd forgiven him enough to want him to go on with his career in music. It took me about three hours of answering their questions and concerns before they called me an idiot for not telling them sooner or at least discussing it beforehand, and then forgave me. Did I mention before how incredibly lucky I was to have friends as amazing as those three?

Once Hiro, K, and Suguru were back on my side, the controversy in the media didn't seem so overwhelming, and the scandal seemed to blow over almost overnight. I was working with Hiro and Suguru in one of the staff rooms revising my newest song a few days after the infamous ASK interview, when who should breeze through the door but Seguchi Tohma himself. He was wearing his murderer's smile, the one I'd seen on rare occasion when someone had pissed him off just enough to make him do something drastic, and his hat was tilted to the side, throwing his eyes into shadow. In that quiet little voice of his he requested a "private chat with Shindou-san" and before Hiro, who already looked panicked, and Suguru could protest, I cordially accepted his offer and stood up. His eyes narrowed the slightest fraction, and I could tell he was surprised that he no longer intimidated me, but he walked down the hall to a secluded lounge with the same cool composure that I'd come to associate with Tohma.

I draped myself over one of the spinney office chairs that adorned the room, and he took a seat across from me. He opened his mouth to speak, but I was prepared. I'd been expecting this conversation, and I was determined that for once in my pathetic life I was going to beat Tohma at his own game. I asked him how the baby was in a bright tone of voice, all smiles and sunshine, and he faltered. He answered curtly that the baby was "just fine," at which point I grabbed the ball and ran with it, involving him in a conversation about how delighted I was to see Tohma acting so paternally, and that Mika absolutely glowed whenever I saw her. I told him about Hiro's own experiences with fatherhood, and at points in the conversation I actually forced Tohma into breaking his cold mask and smiling a genuine smile, mostly when I managed to get him to talk about little Eiri.

I talked to Tohma for about an hour, successfully distracting him by going off on tangents, before he finally stood up, mask in place, and told me he had something serious to discuss with me. I frowned and batted my eyes, before telling him how sad I was that he didn't think our conversation before was serious enough, and he scowled at me. He folded his hands neatly in his lap and I sat up, crossed my legs, and leaned back, preparing myself for anything he had to throw at me. He told me that he was very disappointed in me, and I told him that I was shocked that he could be disappointed in someone whom he'd never had faith in. His lips thinned and I shut up for a short while, letting him continue. He went on to tell me that he was completely disgusted with my behavior, and that it brought shame not only to myself, but to Hiro, Suguru, and K as well. He also mentioned the fact that what I was doing was sick and wrong, and then he "suggested" that I go seek psychiatric help for my fixation.

I was confused about the whole "fixation" thing, so I asked him what the fuck he meant by it. He blinked once, before switching to a tone that seemed to imply that I was Tomoko's age, and then told me that it was wrong for me to use ASK to dredge up bad memories, hurting Eiri just because he'd broken up with me. I stopped him then, completely stupefied. He honestly thought that bringing ASK back was some desperate ploy to remind Yuki that yes, he'd been raped before?! I looked him right in the eyes and told him that he was completely insane if he thought that this had anything to do with Yuki. Tohma rolled his eyes and told me that everything I did had something to do with Yuki, because I was obsessed with him. I spat back that the pot was most certainly calling the kettle black if that were the case, at which point he replied that he was only looking out for Eiri's well-being.

I rolled my eyes at that one, before telling him that he'd probably like nothing more than if Yuki had finally ended our relationship. He told me that it was Yuki's decision that mattered, so I replied that perhaps by "Yuki" he meant himself, since he'd been trying to govern Yuki's life since the day they'd met. I then applauded him at what a good job he'd done at that one, because Yuki was the most stable, reasonable, affectionate and functional human being I'd ever met. Tohma clenched his fists in rage before he regained his composure. He told me quietly that if I ever pulled a stunt like this one again, he'd have me "taken care of," to which I replied that it was nice that little Eiri had a role model he could really look up to, and that when the kid grew up he'd solve all of his problems by having people either murdered or ruined, whichever was more convenient.

Tohma's eyes narrowed until he looked like a pissed off pit viper, and then told me not to involve his family with scum like me. It was nice to finally hear what Tohma really thought of me, without all his dancing around actual insults. With Tohma, it always takes you a while to realize you've actually been insulted, so I hoped I could enrage him enough to keep his vocabulary even with mine. I told him that I wasn't the one whose whole world revolved around Yuki, and for the fact of the matter, I was the one who'd left Yuki. Tohma glared at me and called me a liar, first of all because no one EVER breaks up with Yuki, secondly because I was obviously upset and deranged enough to go after him using my music connections, and thirdly because I was enough of a whiny little prick to annoy him to the point that he was now staying with Tohma.

That one caught me off guard. Yuki had... moved in with Tohma? What the hell was that all about?! Yuki hated intruding on other people, and he hated being away from his desolate little apartment. Why then, would he sink so low as to live with Tohma? I mean, it would be nigh-on impossible for Yuki to pick up women if he were staying with him, and if I knew Yuki, he'd probably be boozing it up, chain smoking, and sleeping with half the population of Tokyo now that I was out of the picture, at least before he settled down and found himself a sweet little wife. I put my anger on pause and asked Tohma what was up with Yuki living with him, and Tohma smirked and told me he'd even given up smoking. I laughed in his face at that one, before telling him that Yuki wouldn't give up smoking even if Gandhi went on a hunger strike specifically to get him to quit. I then told him that Yuki probably smoked outside and in the bathrooms with the vent on, and had an air-freshener that worked well enough to conceal the smell from him, because not even his precious little Eiri could keep Yuki from his cigs.

Tohma told me that I obviously didn't know Yuki as well as he did, so I asked him how long they'd been sleeping together. I then went on to inquire as to whether or not Mika knew, unless of course marrying her had been part of the plan all along, if only so that he could get to know Eiri. I should probably have taken note of just how rigid Tohma had become, or at exactly what point he'd stood up, but I have a habit of being slightly oblivious, so I just went on. I asked him what kind of father he was, and told him frankly that his kid would be as fucked up as the real Eiri if he grew up with a mommy and two daddies. While on that subject, I asked him whether or not his wife was in on the deal, and though I regret it now because I really do respect Mika, I told him that maybe he was the type to get off on having his wife spread her legs like a whore for her own _brother_.

I knew I'd crossed the line, hell, I was so far beyond the line that I couldn't even see it anymore, but all the little things that had always bothered me about Tohma suddenly bubbled up to the surface and I was too stupid to stop myself. There was a beat of silence when I ran out of things to say, before Tohma punched me as hard as he could square in the jaw. I imagine this little confrontation had been years in the making for Tohma, and if anything, I hope he finally got all that pent up violence out of his system. I vaguely remember what happened next, and most of it I had to find out later when I watched the tape that the security cameras took, because apparently Tohma beat the living shit out of me.

I was dazed from his first punch, but I had enough common sense to cover my face and pray to God he got a hold of himself. He didn't, of course, and instead he grabbed my by the roots of my pink hair and rammed my face repeatedly into the table and the wall, alternately. Somewhere in my little mind I chuckled at the thought that Tohma even had good rhythm when he was beating on someone, but that thought was quieted on account of the blood loss. He spent a good part of the next few minutes kicking and punching me in as many places as he could reach, but I never fought back, though even now I can't really fathom why. I mean, I could distinctly remember times in my career when I really, truly wanted to beat the hell out of Seguchi Tohma, and here I was blowing my chance. My barely-there resistance seemed to only piss him off further, and after a while he just started screaming at me, sometimes giving me a kick for good measure, before K and Hiro ran into the room and pulled the still kicking Tohma off of me.

I was impressed that Tohma still put up a fight after that. I mean, he seemed like such a little guy, but all those years of being pissed off by me and not being able to do a damn thing about it must have gotten to him. In the end, K had to give him a good slap to make him realize that "hey, you just beat Shindou Shuichi beyond recognition!" He went sort of limp after that, and couldn't look at what a mess he'd made of me when they dragged him out of the room and down to the security office. Hiro was by my side almost instantly, calling out to someone to go and call an ambulance or something. I tried to tell Hiro that I was fine and didn't want another scandal, but my nose was bleeding pretty badly and I couldn't talk. I must have passed out right after that, bleeding all over Hiro and over NG's pristine floors, all the while wondering how Yuki would react to his brother-in-law beating his former lover to death.


	5. 05

I woke up slowly to find that I wasn't in Yuki's bed, which meant that something bad must have happened. There was gauze covering my eyes, so I couldn't really see where I was, but the person who was sleeping with their head in my lap was clutching my hand. After fidgeting a bit, the coarse sheets and uncomfortable blankets on the plain single bed clued me in to the fact that I was in a hospital, as did the acrid smell of sterilization that they must spray around here to hide the stench of death. I thought briefly that I must have the chicken pox again; I had caught them a few years ago, and because I was so much older my immune system couldn't handle it, so I had to be hospitalized. It was one of the only times when Yuki had ever taken care of me. He visited me every day and brought me soup and things to do, and sometimes I would get tired and fall asleep and he held my hand the whole time. Even though I was sick at the time, that memory is still one of my best. It was really sweet, and he even went so far as to rub Caladryll on all of my itchy spots, which more often than not ended with steamy hospital make-out sessions that the nurses kept walking in on and scolding Yuki for.

I squeezed the hand that held mine lightly, to let Yuki know that I was awake, before I asked him if I had the chicken pox again. Of course, it didn't occur to me until then that you could only get the chicken pox once, and I was almost certain that Yuki would tell me that I was an idiot for coming up with such moronic excuses. Instead, however, the warm comfort of that hand was suddenly drawn back, and a voice that was most definitely NOT Yuki told me that I was "in the hospital because of some bad boo-boos," but the "men in white coats" would make me "shiny in no time." I sighed. Ryuichi. The events of the past few months gradually filtered into my brain, and I suddenly felt extremely embarrassed that I'd called Ryuichi by Yuki's name. I frowned, before asking him why I couldn't see, my mind suddenly conjuring hideous images of Tohma gouging out my eyes and keeping them in a jar next to his bed. He caught my hand again and told me that Tohma had been mad and done things that he didn't mean because he wasn't right in the head, and my eyes had swollen shut so they were wrapped in gauze with some stuff on them until the swelling died down.

I wondered why Ryuichi was there in the first place, but I knew the answer at once when I heard a voice from one of the corners of my room, asking Ryuichi if I was finally awake in a sleepy drawl. It was Tatsuha, and I was almost positive that he was here on Tohma's behalf. I couldn't help the pain I felt in my chest at the sound of Tatsuha's voice. He had, after all, matured in these last few years, and he sounded just like Yuki to the untrained listener. I sighed as they asked me if I was all right, before attempting a sunny smile and failing miserably, because my face hurt like hell. Apparently beating the shit out of people was just one more thing Tohma was good at. For the good part of an hour I made conversation with Ryuichi, which wasn't all that difficult because he and I spend an awful lot of time changing the subject, and Tatsuha occasionally commented on one thing or another. It was funny, after a while it didn't seem like I was in a hospital room anymore; the background noise seemed to just fade away and once Tatsuha brought us back snacks from the vending machine down the hall, it was like our own personal party. Well, as much of a party as you can have with three people in a hospital room during quiet hour. Though really, Ryuichi's enough of a spaz sometimes to seem like twenty people, so it was more fun than I'd had in ages.

Hiro showed up with Suguru and K a short time later, which seemed to bother the hell out of the nurses. Well, Hiro said it bothered the hell out of the nurses. I couldn't really tell what was going on with the nurses because I was as blind as an... um, guy who can't see because he'd blindfolded. I would have said bat, of course, but Yuki used to hit me on the head whenever I used a saying that was factually inaccurate, so I generally started a saying and then finished it with something lame that doesn't sound right. Nobody talked about Tohma the whole time. I kind of appreciated it. It felt more like I was in the hospital because I was actually sick or had broken my arm or something that happens to everyone at some point in their lives, not because I had just gotten into a fistfight with one of my former idols.

Despite what Hiro said, the nurses extended the time I was allowed to have visitors, though that may have been more from K's influence than anything else. Suguru surprised everyone by sneaking in a few beers, and Hiro was kind enough to have bought me a huge package of "get-well" strawberry pocky. I was having a blast by the time the nurses came in to remove the bandages around my eyes, but it hurt like a bitch when I finally had to open them. I touched my face like they do in soap operas when the handsome blind man's eyesight if finally restored after he's undergone a miracle operation (only to find out his wife is pregnant with his brother's baby after a night of passion when they were both grieving because they thought he'd died in that terrible boating accident), even though I knew I probably shouldn't have. It's weird when you're injured, and no matter how much pain you're in or how absolutely hideous your wound looks you always want to touch it, and then you're surprised when you find out it hurts, but you just touch it again, as though to affirm that you are, in fact, a real person who hurts and bleeds just like everybody else. I've been in the music business for so long, sometimes it's kind of hard to tell what's real and what isn't, so sometimes little injuries are a nice reminder. Mind you, I said "little."

I asked for a mirror once the nurses were out of the room, and even though my eyes were still adjusting to the light in the room, I could tell everyone was pretty uneasy about letting me see myself. That, of course, only made me freak out even more about my appearance, at which point I demanded a mirror under penalty of "taking their temperature with a sharp and pointy thing, and I don't damn well mean in the ear, mouth, or armpit." Tatsuha was the first one to grab me a hand mirror from down the hall, handing it to me uneasily. I laughed nervously and asked them how bad it could possibly be, before taking a look. Have you ever noticed that it's never a good idea to ask how bad anything could possibly look just before you peer in a mirror?

My face was dotted with purple in all sorts of places, especially my forehead from where Tohma'd slammed me into the wall, and I had little cuts all over the place. My eyes looked as bad as they felt, apparently, and they were bruised much darker than the rest of my face, though my left eye was worse than my right. I even had a few bruises on my neck, and one long cut across my collarbone from Tohma's wedding ring when he'd gone to punch me in the nose and missed. I was pleased that he actually hadn't managed to hit my nose all that much; I'm sure if he had, it would have been broken with the way he was hitting me. I surveyed the rest of the damage, only to find that with the exception of a few bad bruises on my lower back and posterior, I was fine. Or at least that's what I thought until I discovered that most of what was keeping me warm was an insanely long Ace bandage that was wrapped snugly around my torso. It struck me as funny; I should have suspected something was wrong when I'd felt warm in my hospital gown that frankly, didn't leave anything for the imagination.

I asked the little mob that was currently gathered in my room what was wrong with my chest, before I smiled as best I could and asked Tatsuha if he'd tried to convince the doctors to give me some boobs while I was sleeping. That seemed to break the tension that had suddenly overtaken the room, and everyone relaxed, all talking at once. From what I could gather from the little bits of everyone's version of the story I'd heard, Tohma had managed to break two of my ribs when he kicked me. The breaks weren't serious, and they'd heal quickly, but the doctor had given me a long list of things I could and could not do that he was kidding himself if he thought I would ever read. Ryuichi helpfully added that Tohma "wasn't really mean enough to break somebody on purpose, he just likes to wear shoes that have steel toes in them." I raised an eyebrow and Ryuichi blushed, before I let out a sigh, put my hand on Ryuichi's head, and told him that I didn't hate Tohma for what he did. The silence that resulted from my statement was awkward and lasted far too long for my taste, so I leaned back in bed and asked K if he would kill me for taking a little bit more time off if I promised to write more lyrics.

My attitude toward the whole affair put everyone at ease, and after a while we got so rowdy that my doctor came in and told everyone to sign the damn release papers and party somewhere else. I felt kind of bad for having flouted hospital code, but I figured that at least I'd managed to bring a little life to an otherwise dreary and depressing place, and the nurses seemed to appreciate being hit on by nearly every male present every time they entered my room to "check up on me." After the first three times I was almost positive they were doing it on purpose, and they seemed genuinely sad to see us go. We signed a few things for them, at which point I remembered that I was the lead singer of a famous band, so of course they'd be excited. It's kind of funny how I tend to forget little details like that when I'm not paying close attention.

I was ecstatic when we actually did take the party somewhere else, back to my own apartment. Hiro even called Ayaka and told her to bring Tomoko over, because for some odd reason my trip to the hospital had just become a weird, stress-releasing celebration. We stopped by a convenience store for all of my favorite junk food, and everybody was treating me like a porcelain doll, waiting on me hand and foot, which was endearing and annoying at the same time. Actually, it had been the first time in a while that I'd been taken care of like this, so I felt a little guilty about how happy the attention made me. When my little mob passed the front desk of my apartment building, the man behind the counter stopped me and directed me to the huge pile of flowers, get-well cards, and candy that I'd already received from fans. Oh yeah, the whole "being famous" thing.

Everyone helped me lug the gifts up to my apartment, and even though I had at first expected them to be yet another annoying thing I would have to deal with, they actually turned into a little game. We took turns reading the cards and notes, their messages ranging from sweet to really obscure. The obscure ones were K's favorite, especially since he always stopped reading when they went from being rated PG to being rated R, and he always said something along the lines of "Oh my. Well it seems like you have a _very _enthusiastic fan here, Shuichi," which made us all laugh every time he said it, even though it should have gotten old really quickly. I suppose we were all just in one of those moods where everything's funny, no matter how stupid and un-funny the thing is in actuality. We separated the cards into two piles; nice things I would have to reply to while I wasn't working, and creepy things that it would be best to throw away.

We kept most of the unopened candy and threw out anything that looked suspicious, before we started to read the notes on the flowers. Hiro was shocked when he handed me a large and tasteful bouquet and told me to read the tag. I should have suspected that something was up; I was buried in baby's breath and practically had to crawl into the gigantic basket to find the damn tag in the first place, but once I did manage to find and read said tag, I fell over and crushed most of the flowers anyway. In the process I also managed to hurt my ribs, and with all the cursing and crying I did within the next few minutes I suddenly had everyone's attention anyway. Once I'd calmed myself down, I laughed at my own clumsiness and rubbed at my eyes, at which point little Tomoko reached into the lopsided bouquet, plucked off the tag and toddled over to me, crawling into my lap and settling down to suck on her hand. One of the things I adored about Tomoko was her childish ability to hone in on exactly what was important. With Hiro and Ayaka's genes, the kid was bound to be a rocket scientist or brain surgeon or something equally challenging, and I bet she'd do it with as much style and grace as her parents. I also loved the fact that it wasn't enough to just suck on one single digit, no; she had to jam her whole tiny little hand inside her mouth. She was a sweetheart, plain and simple, and I vowed then to spoil her relentlessly.

I read the card, amused, to the group of friends that had gathered around me in concern. It was simple, elegant, and yet seemed very generic, the loopy font and long winded poetry making it difficult to keep my gag-reflex in check. It was a hybrid apology-get-well-soon card from none other than Tohma himself. After I'd finished reading the card, I couldn't help but laugh, shaking my head before setting it aside. Ryuichi looked worried, but I gave Tatsuha a look that I hoped he would interpret as "I know exactly who you're reporting to, and you didn't fool me for a second." I didn't make any further comments on the ill-fated arrangement, but I did quietly set the note aside, placing it in the "to reply" pile for later. I went back to sorting the rest of the pile as though nothing had happened, and after a short time everyone got the hint that I wasn't about to mess up my own party over something so trivial, so we all went back to what we were doing.

Before we knew it, it was just past midnight and Tomoko had long since fallen asleep in my lap. Hiro and Ayaka gave each other the "we really have to go home now" look, but I saw it and told them that there was no way I was letting them drive this late at night, especially since we'd all had a few drinks and Tomoko was with them. I offered Hiro and Ayaka the guest bedroom, and Ryuichi and Tatsuha the fold out couch, provided that they didn't try anything "funny" on my poor, innocent furniture. I had by then exhausted what room I had in my apartment, but K accepted when I offered him the floor of my bedroom. I practically had to knock Suguru out to make him spend the night, but I finally convinced him to share the bed with me. Really, K probably could have fit on it too; the damn thing was practically large enough to qualify as a small province. We all said our goodnights then, and I was completely exhausted, so I had no trouble falling asleep. My last thought before I drifted off was how happy I was that there was finally some life in my apartment.

They all left pretty early the next morning, which left me alone to reply to my letters, as well as to receive about a truckload more. During my sorting I was surprised and delighted to find a big bouquet of flowers from ASK, along with a signed copy of their CD and about twenty pounds of sweets. While munching on my various edible presents, I decided to answer Tohma's letter first. I made about a million rough drafts, each one far worse than the one before it, and I had to really control myself not to make one nasty comment or another. I wondered how I was supposed to reply to something like this. I mean, did they make greeting cards for this sort of thing? "Gee whiz, but I'm sorry you beat me up with your fucking steel-toed boots, let's be friends now okay?" It took me about fifteen minutes to get it together after that thought, especially since my hands took the liberty of designing greeting cards for just such an occasion while my mind was on holiday. After about three hours of work, I finally managed to pull off a card that not only _didn't_ sound like I was a childish prick, it also apologized for the fact that I had previously actually _been_ a childish prick. I smiled, proud of myself, before getting back to work on the rest of the letters.

The media hadn't picked up on Tohma's little vacation from sanity, so K told the press that I had been beaten in a mugging. Ryuichi told me how grateful he was that I didn't force him to choose between his two "most fantastical" friends, which I interpreted as Tohma's relief that I hadn't decided to press charges and give him unwanted media attention, especially since being convicted of assault sometimes had the habit of getting your children taken away from you. In all honesty, I didn't hate Tohma for what he did. I completely understood, in fact, and if someone had insulted the people I cared about as... thoroughly as I had, I probably would have flipped out too. I didn't want to think that I deserved my injuries, but on some level I did. And perhaps now I would be more careful about what I said, and to whom.

The bruises faded in the weeks that followed, and I didn't hear much from Tohma, or anyone else for that matter. My ribs were healing up nicely, and I'd gone back to work after I'd successfully managed to bore myself out of my skull. It wouldn't be until about a month after the incident that things would start getting interesting again. The official biography of all things Nittle Grasper was being released, and there was a big to-do over it at NG. All of NG's talent would be there, from rock stars to actors to philanthropists, as well as Nittle Grasper themselves, and as a member of Bad Luck I was invited (by which I mean threatened with death if I didn't show) to the grand occasion. I didn't really want to go, especially if it meant having to face Tohma. It wasn't that he frightened me; it was more that I just didn't want the awkwardness that would result from our meeting. K eventually suckered me into it, and Hiro promised to be supportive, but I could also tell that they were both excited about showcasing their talent, as well as their gorgeous wives, at something that promised to be the biggest social event of the year.

It was a black tie occasion, and I managed to get away with wearing a maroon tie without being shot, but I still wanted to hang myself when we walked down the red carpet and into the building. If there was anything I hated more than being dragged out to a stuffy socialite party, it was having to wear a suit to the occasion. I had decided to take Maiko as a date, because this was probably the only way she'd EVER get in to something like this and I was feeling particularly brotherly, plus she was a total knock-out anyway, which made me look good. Or at least better than I would have looked walking down the red carpet alone. She was trying her best not to look like she wanted to wet her pants with excitement, and I was proud of her, because she was doing a damn good job. She even greeted other celebrities casually, as though she'd know them all her life, and was the epitome of poise and perfection. I smiled to myself, knowing full well that I'd probably made her LIFE, and once the boring announcements had been made and the party was in full swing, I told her to be a good girl and go have a good time, because it must suck having a brother as lame as I was keeping her away from the real stars. She squeaked and hugged me, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before losing herself in the crowd, and I milled about, occasionally talking to people who barely knew me.

I don't know what I was worried about, really. There were probably over a thousand people here, and the ballroom, yes, ballroom; the Seguchi's really know how to throw a party, was packed full with people wanting to see and be seen. It seemed to drag on forever, and by eleven that evening, not only had I been unable to find Hiro, K, or Suguru again, but I was completely and utterly bored. I decided then that I wanted a drink, preferably something that tasted enough like candy to hide the taste of alcohol, and maybe something fruity and fun. There was a long table of refreshments located somewhere in the room, and I managed to find it after getting lost twice. Just as I got to it, one of the waiters there stared at me in disbelief, before nervously offering me a drink. I accepted; it was something fizzy and sweet, and I downed it without any trouble. He stood there staring, before I struck up a conversation with him. I was actually thrilled to talk to someone who wasn't fixated on being famous, and once he got a little bit of confidence, we actually got involved in a deep conversation about music. I learned that his name was Suoh and that he was a fan of mine, though I hadn't needed him to tell me for me to know, and that this was his first job waiting for the catering company that had only recently hired him.

I dragged him to a table through the large double doors and out onto the balcony above the garden even though Suoh told me that he should probably get back to work. However, I was too excited talking to someone who was sane and normal for once to let him get away that easily. I gave him my full attention, and we had a few of the glasses from his tray as we talked. The evening slipped away after that, because Suoh and I spoke as though we'd known each other since we were children. I learned everything I could about him, who his parents were, what his dog was named, even what his favorite colors were, and he made me laugh until my ribs hurt. It was nice to get away from having to play pretend with the rest of the Barbies inside, and for once just have a good time with someone I was completely comfortable with. His manager finally came outside to yell at him, but I stood up for Suoh and told the guy that he'd merely been my own personal waiter. The manager was as awestruck as Suoh had been, because it was rare that idols paid any attention to the working class, and before Suoh and I parted, I gave him my number and a _very_ generous tip. He gave me a warm smile before disappearing into the crowd.

I was dying for a drink by the time I found the buffet table again, my voice tired from talking to Suoh, but this time I didn't get lost on my way, if only because the balcony was close by. I hummed a tune under my breath and grabbed another glass of fizzy from the table, only to accidentally hit someone else who had reached for the glass at the same time. I turned to apologize, only to find that myself staring up into two beautiful golden eyes. I gasped his name without intending to, it just sort of slipped out, and I backed up a step, cursing myself the whole way. I'd wanted this confrontation to be different. I'd wanted to be strong for once, to be cold to him for once, but any intentions I had were thrown out, along with my spine, when I saw him for the first time in over three months. He looked down at me and gave me an indiscernible look, before gracefully picking up the glass that I'd reached for only a few seconds previously, sipping it and looking as smug as he always did at these painfully boring functions. I wanted to yell at him. Hell, I'm not really certain why I didn't yell at him, but instead I raised an eyebrow and snatched the glass from his hand, drinking it and leaning back against the table, waiting for him to react.

He stared at me for a few moments, before shrugging off my boldness and selecting a different flute, taking small sips from it. I gave him a sunny smile and asked him how his latest book was coming, and he looked both amused and annoyed at the same time before telling me coldly that he didn't discuss books with people who couldn't read. I'd been expecting an insult, so it didn't faze me in the least when I received one. I pressed on and asked him how Tohma and Mika were. He looked more guarded this time, probably wondering how much I knew of what he'd been doing in the last few months, before he gave me one of his cruel smiles and replied that Tohma had apparently taken up boxing, while Mika was struggling in her attempts to be motherly. I told him that Bad Luck's new CD was nearly out and that I was keeping busy, and he finished off his drink before telling me that he no longer had to listen to music that sounded as though it had been composed by a five-year-old with a rhyming dictionary. In response, I told him that someone who wrote dime-a-dozen trashy romance novels for desperate housewives was one to talk about the quality of writing.

He gave me another cold smile again, finishing off another drink, before telling me that he preferred to socialize with people who had actual brains, and I told him simply that if he'd wanted that he should probably have stayed home, because there was little chance of finding anyone of that description at this particular party. He looked like he wanted to laugh, but he stayed quiet, waiting if I had anything else to say. I was suddenly very tired of this game, of having to tiptoe around having an actual conversation with Yuki, so I just gave up on trying to be clever. I got on tiptoe and ran a hand through the blonde hair that I hadn't touched in months, before murmuring a soft "Goodnight, Yuki-san" and walking off to lose myself in the crowd. I don't know whether or not he stayed at the table after that, and I hopped from conversation to conversation until three that morning.

The party was still in full swing, even though I was exhausted. Hell, if anything, the alcohol that had been flowing throughout the room for most of the night was loosening everyone up, lowering everyone's inhibitions and making me uneasy. I had pushed my way through the mostly-inebriated crowd back in the direction of the buffet table in an attempt to get some air, when I was suddenly pushed to the ground, along with four other people. I got up to see what the commotion was when I witnessed one very-familiar, very blonde writer tackle one of the waiters, snarling as they hit the ground. I was stunned; people were trying to pry Yuki off the poor man, and I could tell the waiter had a bad bloody nose, if nothing else. Members of the press moved in like vultures to get pictures of the fight, so before anything could escalate, I dove into the confusion.

I managed to get in between Yuki and the waiter, only to discover that it was Suoh. I pushed Yuki off of him then, yelling at him to calm the fuck down. It seemed to register with him that it was me, and I watched as his eyes widened a bit before he looked away, arms falling to his side in embarrassment at his own actions. I murmured some apologies to Suoh on Yuki's behalf, helping him up and handing my tie in an attempt to stem the blood flow as he was helped to the bathroom by some of his coworkers. I turned to face Yuki, so ready to bite his head off for just randomly beating up one of the waiters at his own brother-in-law's party, when I took in his appearance. He was disheveled, and his eyes looked both ashamed and wild at the same time. I could tell by the way he was standing and the almost adorable boyish confusion that was written all over his face that he was completely and utterly drunk. I'd known Yuki for a long time, and for the longest time I thought that he couldn't get drunk, but I'd discovered a few years into our relationship that it wasn't so much that he _couldn't_ get drunk, just that there were different degrees of his drunkenness. He was very good at hiding when he was smashed, but I had learned all of his telltale signs. He was more aggressive when he'd been drinking, but his eyes also got kind of squinty, and he'd talk slower in an effort to speak without slurring. He normally rarely stumbled, so I was worried for him, because this was the most drunk I'd ever seen him and he almost never drank at parties.

The whole night had been one anomaly after another, so I decided that I'd had enough. Ignoring the questions that the press was suddenly shooting my way, I walked over to Yuki, grabbed him by the hand, and dragged him through the crowd and out of the building, before flagging down a taxi and pulling him inside. He was still panting from the fight, and I thought briefly that he looked sexy when he was messed up like that, before banishing the thought. We sat in silence, before the cab driver asked us where to drive and Yuki spoke up, giving him Tohma's address. I was about to protest; _I_ was the one who'd gotten him out of that mess and out of that godforsaken room, and suddenly _he_ was the one giving out orders? I would have given him a piece of my mind, but when I gazed over at him, he just looked so pathetic that I couldn't berate him for any of the events that had transpired that evening.

We arrived at Tohma's, and I wondered if I should leave Yuki to his own devices, when I decided against it. I'd heard stories of people who dropped their drunken friends off, only to have them pass out and suffocate on their own vomit, and I at least owed Yuki what was left of his dignity after the night he'd had. I helped him inside when he handed me his keys, and I managed to get him into a bedroom. I unbuttoned his shirt and directed him toward the bed, before I told him to lie down on his stomach and try to get some rest. I suddenly felt extremely guilty for trespassing in Tohma's home, and I wanted to get out as fast as I possibly could, but as I turned to leave Yuki grabbed my wrist and tugged, catching me off guard and tumbling us both to the bed.

I don't really remember what happened directly after that, or how we'd managed to get into such a position, but somehow I ended up on my back with Yuki's tongue in my mouth, shirt and jacket lost somewhere along the way. It was warm, and nice, and I hadn't been kissed like that for months, when I realized just _why_ I hadn't been kissed like that for months, and I pushed at Yuki's chest in an attempt to get him off of me. I couldn't do this now, not after I'd come so far. I steeled my resolve; I _wouldn't_ do this now, not to myself and not to Yuki, and I'd be damned if I was going to let my stupid bodily urges get in the way of my progress. I broke the kiss and pushed him away, before I called him an asshole and told him to go fuck himself if he were that desperate. He drawled that I knew he was an asshole _before_ I married him, and asked me what my problem about it was now. I'm sure it made sense to him on some level, and in the time it took for me to ponder his statement, he was kissing me again.

I had to give the man credit. Even when he was completely hammered, Yuki was and amazing kisser. It was slow and wet and soft and cruel and sent tingles reverberating all over my body, and it took me much longer to push him away this time. It hurt. I knew for a fact that I didn't want to push him away, and it was nice to know that he was still attracted to me on some level, but I was through torturing myself over this. In my efforts to escape him, I managed to fall off the bed and onto the floor with a loud thwump, pulling the bed sheets with me. I thought that Yuki would get the hint by that point, but he was determined, and instead of calling me an idiot and going off somewhere to smoke and brood over how much of an idiot I was like I expected him to, he slid off the bed like a lazy cat and joined me on the floor.

I told him that he was a selfish dick, and he told me that it hadn't bothered me before, our conversation coming around full-circle. I looked up at him exasperated, and told him that I just couldn't do this, especially not in Tohma's own house. I then pointed out that there was probably a babysitter _and_ a baby around here somewhere, and I wasn't about to scar anyone for life if they found us in the middle of anything. Yuki ran a hand through his hair and grabbed my wrist again, as though to ensure that I would stay put while he said what he had to say. In typical Yuki fashion, however, he didn't say anything, and I tried to stand up and leave out of sheer frustration. He pulled me back to the floor before telling me that I'd thought about having sex with him while I was gone. I rolled my eyes and told him that of course I'd thought about sleeping with him, and that that wasn't the point, but whatever I had to say was forgotten when he started kissing my hand.

I don't know what it was about that gesture that made me go weak at the knees; it wasn't overly erotic and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but there was something about the way his eyes locked on mine as his lips made their was slowly up my arm, caressing and smoothing over every inch of skin with a carefulness that I'd never seen in him before. It was sensual and lovely and all the pain and regret and loneliness I'd felt in the months we'd spent apart suddenly intensified, and I knew that I couldn't possibly tell him no. Not while he looked like this, so desperate and alive and alone in the darkness of a foreign bedroom, eyes asking me, pleading with me for something, anything to make the loneliness we both felt just go away. We had sex on Tohma's floor, more than once, and he fell asleep with his head resting on my chest as I cradled him lovingly, knowing full well that things would be different, had to be different in the morning.


	6. 06

Hello. Let me start by first saying that this is NOT the last chapter, and that I do NOT own Gravitation. Just so you know. Thank goodness that's over. Anyway, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves so far, lord knows I am. There are a few twists this chapter, some you were expecting and probably a few you weren't, but here's to hoping you're enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. To all of my reviewers, you are the reason I didn't just give up hope at chapter two, and I'm sure you're also the reason that I'm failing math, so either way, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, even if it is three sizes too small sometimes. I'm rambling again aren't I? Well, on with the show!

Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning feeling sore in all the wrong places: head, neck, ass, but especially my ribs. It's weird when you first wake up, and for a few brief seconds you have no idea who you are or what you're doing, only that you're alive and that sleep feels nice and warm and you'd like to stay there for as long as possible because in the protected shell of you own mind, everything is soft and blurred and you no longer have to think about anything at all. But nonetheless, once you open your eyes you just can't bring yourself to close them again, because already those quiet parts of your mind start whispering their secrets to you, filling you up with an identity that lasts the rest of the day. I wanted to stay asleep, I desperately _tried_ to, but once my eyes slowly forced their way open, I couldn't escape what lay before me, or more importantly, who.

Yuki's head was resting on my shoulder, and he had an arm thrown over the rest of my body, keeping me pinned to the floor. He looked... peaceful. Sweet. Like a lost little boy whose only comfort is his teddy bear, which he isn't about to let go of. It took me a while to stop watching him, but once my mind was fully awake, I realized that it appeared that I was his teddy bear, which really didn't bode well for either of us. I sighed and pet his hair, amused when he snuggled closer, legs tangling with mine. I had to get out of here. This was the cruelest torture I'd ever experienced, worse even than when Aizawa... I wasn't going to think about that right then. I was stronger than this, and I knew full well that last night shouldn't have happened, but it did, and I had to accept responsibility.

I tried to slip away like the coward that I am, but my movement only served to wake Yuki, and I froze when he mumbled my name. From his tone he was obviously annoyed that I'd woken him up, plus his hangover wasn't helping his mood, but he tightened his arms around me, possessively. I yelped in response, pushing him roughly away and rubbing at my ribs, before he angrily asked me what the hell was wrong with me, fully awake. I gave him a glare and told him that squeezing someone with broken ribs was probably the best fucking idea he'd ever had, but I was interrupted in my tirade when Yuki grabbed my wrist tightly and asked me about my ribs in disbelief. I looked at him like he was stupid and told him that Tohma did it, obviously, before mumbling that he probably thought I was stupid enough to break my ribs myself. I would have gone on, but Yuki's eyes were really intense, and he whispered Tohma's name, before telling me that Tohma'd just told him that he'd gotten out of control and hit me. I told him that Tohma had a habit for making understatements, and that perhaps by "hit" he'd actually meant "put me in the hospital for a little more than a day."

Yuki paled at the word "hospital," before this look of extreme guilt passed over his face. He schooled his features again, before telling me that if he'd known I was in the hospital, he would have come to see me. I told him that it was typical that it would take a trip to the hospital for him to come and see me, and he glared at me, looking betrayed. I sat up, blowing my hair out of my face, before putting a hand on his shoulder and telling him that I'd only been there for a day, and it wasn't even that serious, so he shouldn't beat himself up over it. He looked offended that I even suggested that he'd ever "beat himself up" over anything concerning our relationship, so I just gave up trying to talk to him about that whole mess, and instead started looking for my clothes. He grabbed my arm and asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I was trying to find my fucking underwear so that I wouldn't completely offend Tohma when he found me here. Yuki relaxed a little, and I went about putting on my clothes while he fished his cigarettes out from underneath the bed. I smiled in spite of myself. I knew Yuki wouldn't give up his smokes, not even for Tohma. At least I'd been right about that.

Once dressed, I sat near him on the floor, watching the smoke drift lazily around the room. I stared at my feet and he stared at the ceiling, and I silently prayed for something, anything to break the silence. I was surprised when Yuki was the first to speak. He asked me how my new CD was coming. I told him everything was fine and we fell into another uncomfortable silence. I suppose that was his way of trying to get me to talk, so now that the ball was in my court, I asked him why he was living with Tohma. I suppose it wasn't the question he was expecting from the way he almost dropped his cigarette, but he said that he'd had to leave the apartment because he was taking a break from his latest book and his editor wouldn't leave him alone, so Tohma had offered him a place to stay. I hugged my knees and told him that it was funny that for once he'd finally had enough silence to write, so he'd decided to take a break. He gave me a cold stare and told me not to flatter myself, and I told him that I was incapable of flattering myself since he'd always taken such careful measures to make me feel as stupid and insignificant as possible.

He got angry then, before telling me that real people didn't spout shitty poetry to each other all the time or write love songs or buy each other flowers, so I should stop living in my delusions and quit blaming everything on him just because he didn't spend every waking moment focused on me. I told him that he was an idiot, and he told me that that was rich, coming from someone like me. I asked him then whether or not he was finished attacking my self-esteem, before I told him that it was pointless to remind me that I was stupid, because I was already fully aware of that fact. We both fell silent again, before I asked him weakly if he ever thought about me at all. He got offended again and glared, before I went back to looking at my feet. I really couldn't leave well enough alone though, and before I knew it I asked him how many dates he'd had since I'd been gone. He looked ready to hit me, hell I was impressed that he didn't hit me, before he hissed that not only was it "none of my business," but at least he didn't have to pay people to sleep with him. I asked him what the fuck he meant by that, before he rolled his eyes and told me that I knew what he meant. I told him that we'd already established that I was stupid, so he might as well spell it out for me, so he finally replied scathingly that he'd seen me pick up that waiter the night before, and if I hadn't been preoccupied with taking Yuki here, I'd have gone off to warm the bed of that obsessive fanboy.

I wanted to strangle him. He'd... he'd only gotten drunk as an excuse to keep me away from someone who he thought I was interested in. He didn't care, he simply DID NOT CARE, not about me, or our relationship, or anything that even remotely had to do with me. He just wanted me to be as miserable as he was. I was seething, and I clenched my fists in rage before I asked him if he really thought I was that much of a slut. He had the balls to tell me to prove him wrong. I stood up and told him matter-of-factly that I hadn't been with anyone since we stopped seeing each other, and he grabbed a blanket to wrap around his waist before standing and asking me what the fuck was going on between me and ASK. I was completely flabbergasted by that one, so I told him to just write me a list of all the people he wanted to accuse me of sleeping with, and I'd get back to him. He grabbed my shoulder and squeezed painfully, before murmuring in a low growl that he just didn't know with me anymore. I told him that it was only fair, since I never knew with him to begin with.

He squeezed harder and asked me point-blank how many people I'd slept with, and I told him for the second time that I wasn't some slut who fucked people for the fun of it. I asked him if he'd completely forgotten who I was in the short time that I was gone, and I told him that he knew for a fact that I only slept with people I was attached to. He then asked me, in a voice that seemed more tired and small than anything else, why I'd slept with him. I wanted to bang my head repeatedly against the wall, but instead I shouted at him that he was dumber than I was if he couldn't see that I was attached to him. He yelled back that, in general, people who're attached to each other don't up-and-fucking-leave without even giving a reason. It went on like that for a while, Yuki and I standing in the middle of Tohma's guest room shouting at each other, until I told Yuki that I wasn't going to do this anymore, and I tried to leave. He grabbed both of my shoulders and told me dangerously that he wasn't finished talking to me, and I glared at him and told him to let me go because I wasn't going to do this anymore.

In one fluid motion Yuki pushed me to the bed and pinned me there, hovering over me looking uncertain. I looked up into his droopy golden eyes and quickly looked away, hating how helpless he made me feel, but he wouldn't let me avert my gaze. Instead he gently turned my head until our eyes met. I didn't know what he wanted, I don't think I ever knew what he wanted, and I was sick of being led on a wild goose chase trying desperately to figure him out. I opened my mouth, but he put a finger to my lips to silence me. His gaze was intense, and I remembered how much I loved him at that moment; his tired eyes, his lips and all the cruel things they'd whispered to me, his high cheekbones and sharp chin, the way his brow furrowed when he was couldn't figure out what to write, and the thousand other things that I could recall simply by looking at his face. He studied me carefully, and he loosened his grip on me, carefully bringing his hand up to brush the hair out of my eyes. I sighed into the touch out of habit, and I opened my eyes only to find his lips nearly touching my own. Quietly, he whispered, "You still love me, don't you."

It wasn't a question. He knew, we both knew how I really felt for him, and I suddenly felt panicked and vulnerable, as though all of my secrets had been bared for the world to see. I had created an illusion that had been fool-proof, I'd managed to convince myself that I couldn't possibly love Yuki because he deserved something better, because I deserved something better, until Yuki had seen right through me again. I loved Yuki, I loved him with more ferocity than I loved anything else in the world, but I was destroying him, and myself in the process. I was trying to be selfish and selfless all at once by just letting him go, but I couldn't, I couldn't because I was too weak to stop myself.

He kissed me again, softly and slowly and carefully, as though he was afraid he'd taken his bitter coldness too far this time, and I would shatter like glass if he even breathed wrong. I was tired of being treated like something precious, tired of being treated like some _thing_, like someone's decoration that sings if you pull the right strings, and most of all I was tired of being a possession of the people around me. I wasn't made of glass, I wasn't made of cloth or tin or plastic or clay or stone, I was made of blood and bone and flesh and I was my own person, and I had to show them all that I was capable of living on my own without anyone to look out for me. Yuki would only tie us both down, and we'd be miserable if we were together. I wanted him to be happy. If I couldn't have anything else, I just wanted him to be happy, and he'd already shown that I wasn't capable of giving him that.

I pushed him away and stood up, finally finding the strength that I'd been missing the night before. He looked at me, sprawled out on the bed like a fallen angel, eyes begging me for something that I couldn't give him anymore. I held onto the bedpost, afraid for a moment that I was going to cave in and crumble into his arms, before I whispered a goodbye and fled the room. I don't know if he called my name because I couldn't stop running, and before I knew it I was lost in one of the long corridors of Tohma's mansion, somewhere on the first floor. I ran out of energy and leaned against the wall, trying to catch my breath and keep myself from crying at the same time, when I heard a soft noise from inside the room to my right. Someone was singing. Drawn to the siren song, I walked in front of the door and was as shocked to see Tohma singing gently to rock little Eiri to sleep, as he was to see me. I wondered what he must think of me, wearing yesterday's clothes that were covered in flecks of dried blood, hair in complete disarray, but he simply stood, still rocking his child, and waited for me to say something.

I mumbled a small hello, and he replied with the same, before I asked him how he was doing. He gave me standard answers, all the while looking very protective and somewhat nervous. I sighed, tired of dancing around it, before I told him how sorry I was for saying those things about him. I told him I had been wrong, and he had every right to react the way he did, and I even told him that I hadn't been taking this whole business with Yuki very well and I'd acted immaturely. He looked surprised, and he told me he understood, before he asked me if I'd finally resolved things with Yuki. I told him I had, and he looked very relieved, even going so far as to give me a small smile. I smiled back, and before I told him softly that he'd finally won, and I hoped that he'd be happy now. He seemed confused, and I told him that Eiri was going to grow into a wonderful human being, just like his father, before turning around to leave. He called my name, but whatever else he had to say died on his lips. I told him to take care of Yuki, before I took off down the hallway running.

It took me the better part of ten minutes trying to find my way back to the entrance, and I was sweaty and depressed by the time I walked through the large double doors. Reaching into my pocket, I took out my cell phone and called a taxi, and then I took the long walk to the end of Tohma's driveway. I didn't have to wait long for the taxi to arrive, and I instructed him to drop me off at my apartment. I felt frayed beyond function by the time I arrived there, and I went to bed as soon as I walked in, not bothering to remove my dirty clothes or check the messages on my answering machine. I wasn't sure what time I woke up again, but I finally took a shower and started going about my daily routine.

I hadn't expected closure to feel so empty. I had no Tohma to fear, because I no longer cared whether he hated me or not, and I didn't have to walk on eggshells for Yuki anymore. My apartment was suffocating in its silence, and I had the television on all the time in order to pretend that I wasn't alone. Work was the same, day after day, week after week, and before I knew it we were a week away from debuting our new single. It was strange; I was writing more now than I ever had before, and Hiro and Suguru said that my lyrics were the best I'd ever written, but they felt flawed and lifeless to my own ears. I just didn't have the heart to tell them how I felt, I couldn't stop lying to them now that I'd started, and I didn't want them to worry about me anymore. I had become everyone's burden, but I wasn't going to let them be my victims any longer. I bottled everything up even more than I had before, and when I was at work I was all sunshine and daisies. Hiro seemed to be glad that he could focus more on his family now that I had reverted to my former enthusiastic self, and Suguru was just relieved that we were back on schedule. I sang like I never had before, pouring everything that was left of me into making our CD, in my desperate attempt to make it far better than the last one we'd released. Somewhere in the darker parts of my mind I wanted to send Yuki some flowers, if only to thank him for teaching me about what love is really like, but I only thought like that when I wasn't preoccupied. My apartment only served to remind me of Yuki, so sometimes I slept on one of the couches in the NG building. Hiro nearly caught me when he noticed I was wearing the same outfit two days in a row, so after that incident I always came to work with a spare pair of clothes in my backpack.

Whenever I couldn't sleep at work, I would go out clubbing and either get drunk enough to fall asleep as soon as I got home, or exhausted enough from dancing, though most often it was a combination of the two. I guess I started losing weight after that, so I alternated between eating everything in sight and not eating anything at all, which probably wasn't helping me much, especially since I was practically working myself to death anyway. Ma-kun called me to talk every now and again, and I was actually really glad when he told me that Aizawa was happier than he'd been in all the time Ma-kun had known him. I was really starting to like Ma-kun; he was just a nice guy who was willing to stay beside, and fight for, his friends and his beliefs. He reminded me a lot of Hiro, in that "best friend you'll ever have" kind of way. I liked talking to him, but sometimes he called me when I'd had a little too much to drink, so I'm sure we had some awkward conversations. I can't really tell because I have a habit of erasing all of my bad memories and never speaking of them again.

Despite the fact that my love life was virtually nonexistent, everything else was going well, or at least better than it had been. Our single was due out in a week, and the CD would be finished shortly after that, so I was actually getting pretty excited. We played a few concerts and a charity thing in order to get publicity, and I was relieved when K told us he was already organizing our next tour, which would probably kick off during the summer. I desperately wanted to get out of Tokyo for a while, and it had been ages since I'd been on tour. It would be nice to hang out with Hiro, K and Suguru again, just us guys, making asses of ourselves in the back of a tour bus and making the airline stewardesses uncomfortable, irritated, and turned on all at the same time. Speaking of Hiro and Suguru, they'd found out about the Yuki incident from a tabloid the day after the party, and the improvement in my mood probably made them assume that Yuki and I were back together again. They never brought it up, though, probably thinking that if Yuki and I weren't actually back together, it would upset me. Which, thinking back on it, it would have. I mean honestly, can't I go one freaking minute without being bombarded with things that only rub in the fact that yes, I'm no longer seeing Yuki? Perhaps leaving Japan would be just what I needed, and maybe there's a magical place out there that's never heard of Uesugi Eiri.

We did a free concert in the park the day our single debuted, and the turnout was tremendous. Thousands of people crowded up to our little stage to hear us play, and it was as though for a few brief moments, the whole world had stopped just for me. People who passed by on their way to school or work paused, only to be sucked into the crowd of screaming fans. I was the king, I was on top of the world, and there wasn't anything that could possibly bring me down. For once, things in my life were looking up. I could just see it now, our CD going triple platinum and being a huge hit all over the world, my tour being extended indefinitely because I was in such high demand, I could hop from continent, and everywhere I'd go people would know my name, praising me for my touching lyrics and ethereal vocals. By the time we went left the park that night, I was completely drunk on my own fame, and I walked into the NG building grinning like a moron, feeling giddy knowing that we'd probably already debuted at number one on that week's charts.

I strutted into the small staff room where we usually watched television, but Hiro and Suguru were standing up, blocking my view of the screen. I asked them to move playfully, shoving Suguru in the arm, before I saw their grim faces. I could tell Hiro was trying to protect me from what I would find, but I wouldn't let him, shoving them both aside in a panic. I stared at the screen in disbelief. Securely in the number one slot on the charts was ASK, beating out Bad Luck with the single that they'd also released today. I wanted to vomit. I think I probably did a little bit, in my mouth. This... was impossible. ASK's single wasn't due out until two months from now. I'd... I'd even talked to Ma-kun about it, about how they were doing. I'd told him about our own progress, and about how much I was enjoying their music now that they were back in the business, and I'd told him about our single and when it was going to be released...

Oh Dear God.

They'd betrayed me. They'd used Ma-kun, sweet, seemingly innocent Ma-kun, and they'd done everything in their power to counter the success of Bad Luck's single. I'd been used again, tricked by that bastard and his cronies, and he'd finally beaten me, fair and square. I'd given him the chance to surpass me, naively thinking that he'd be incapable of doing it because I was Shuichi Shindou, singer of the untouchable Bad Luck, but he had, he had and it was all my doing. I was dying at the hands of my own monster. Suddenly I was back in that dirty parking garage, cornered by Aizawa with his demon eyes and murderer's smile, about to be raped, beaten, and left to die. Alone, alone with the eyes that haunted my dreams and the hands that tore at my skin and smothered my soul and ruined me for Yuki... for Yuki, who wouldn't come for me. For Yuki, who I couldn't protect, even when I tried. For Yuki, who didn't love me.

I woke up fifteen minutes later, propped in an office chair, with K, Hiro, and Suguru making desperate attempts to awaken me. I finally sat up weakly and asked for a glass of water, before I was assaulted by their prying questions. Hiro started going on and on, choking me with his kindness, and Suguru kept telling me that one number two debut wasn't going to kill us, and we could just work harder next time. I couldn't think, couldn't breathe with all of them trying to pull all of the answers out of me like crows tearing the straw out of a scarecrow. I wished I'd never woken up. My patience broke, and I can't really remember what happened next but suddenly I was screaming at the top of my lungs, telling them to get the fuck off and leave me alone, among other things. The next thing I knew I was pushing them all out of the way and running out of the building, grabbing the next taxi I saw and heading back to my apartment. As far as I could tell, I was still screaming, even though my voice had given out a long time ago.

My phone was ringing when I walked in the door, so I stalked over to it and tore the phone line out of the wall, before I threw it across the room. My cell phone went off next, so I tore open the sliding doors and tossed it off the balcony, watching in satisfaction as it smashed the windshield of an expensive car parked on the street below. I locked my door, and then locked it again with a combination lock I'd had in my apartment, before I pushed my couch up against it, suddenly paranoid. I just couldn't see anyone right then, and I'd be damned if I was going to make it easy for them to come and get me. Once I'd calmed down, I suddenly became very afraid. I was alone in my apartment, but everything was so dark, the lights in my bedroom weren't on and I was afraid that there was someone hiding, waiting for the precise moment when I let my guard down to get to me and put me through Aizawa's version of my own personal hell over and over again. I went through every room and turned on all the lights, but I still felt as though someone was watching me, so I threw open my closest doors and opened every cabinet, and for good measure I even overturned all the drawers in my apartment, not caring that I'd strewn their contents everywhere. Once I was finished, I stood panting in the kitchen surrounded by miscellaneous cooking equipment, before my skin started to crawl. I felt like I was being touched all over, and it was all I could do to make it to the bathroom before I threw up.

I don't know what time it was when I finally got my stomach under control. It seemed like I was retching into the toilet for hours, gagging and hyperventilating at the same time, unable to get the feel of hands off of my skin. I clung weakly to the toilet bowl, pushing myself up before I stumbled into the shower, clothes, shoes, coat and all, and turned the water on as hot as it would go. I began stripping off my wet things once they became too heavy and started to weigh me down, pushing me slowly to the floor, the feeling of searching, tearing hands suddenly back with full force. I ripped off what was left and threw it across the room, afraid that they'd been the source of the touching, but I couldn't get the feeling to go away. I scrubbed at my skin with a bar of soap, and then with the loofa, but nothing could make the hands stop. Smothering a scream, I finally resorted to using my fingernails, tearing at my skin and praying that this horrible feeling would subside. I cried, long and hard, into the spray of the shower.

The feeling finally passed, and I dropped to my knees in exhaustion and relief. I must have stayed like that for hours; by the time I realized where I was, the water was frigid and I was covered in wrinkles. I didn't mind the cold, so I just sat back and hugged my knees, singing softly to myself. I thought I heard noises coming from my kitchen, so I shut my eyes tight and sang as loud as I could, the first song that came to mind. By the time I got out of the shower I was shivering, but I walked around my apartment again, just to make sure no one was there. I crumpled to the floor, cold and naked, before I opened my refrigerator and grabbed the first alcoholic thing I could find, pressing it to my lips and drinking as much as I could. I couldn't think. I knew I couldn't think. If I even started thinking for one minute, I'd do something drastic, and I didn't want to. I had to keep busy, I had to stay occupied, I couldn't fall asleep and I couldn't stay awake and I had to get too drunk to be capable of thinking.

I was well on my way to that point, stumbling around my apartment without any clothes on after the second bottle of whatever was in my fridge, singing something familiar and easy. I spent a good part of the evening trying to figure out what song it was, though sometimes I mixed it up a little and tried to figure out how the lyrics went, but when in doubt, I just made things up. I finally figured it out when I walked into my pile of CD's and fell over, bringing the whole thing down onto my lap. I clumsily read each title, trying to put them back in order, when I picked up my ASK CD. Here was the song that I'd been butchering all night. I would have thrown up again, but I just settled for hugging the CD and sobbing, feeling betrayed and alone. How could they do this to me? I'd made them, I'd MADE them! They owed me EVERYTHING!! Did they honestly thing ANYONE would have EVER given them a second chance if it hadn't been for me?!

Still shivering, I weakly tossed the CD away, sick of looking at their fake smiles and their lies, all dedicated to me. I wanted to hate them, but I couldn't. I wanted to hate Yuki, but I couldn't. The only one I had to blame was myself. I'd done this, I'd made ASK into a band that was perfectly capable of destroying Bad Luck, I'd pushed everyone away, and then I felt sorry for myself when I ended up alone. Pathetic. Utterly, utterly pathetic. I wiped at my eyes, angry at my tears, but that only made me cry harder. I wasn't the best musician ever. I wasn't the best singer, or the best writer, or the best brother, or the best son, and I sure as hell wasn't the best lover. I wasn't even good at being any of those things. I was just a klutz, an idiot, a phenomenal waste of skin and air, and the worst coward I'd ever seen. I stood up stumbling into my kitchen, snatching a sharp knife from the floor. I didn't want to be a coward anymore. I didn't want to be anything anymore.

I wanted to write them a note, something, anything to explain what I was doing, to give them some closure. I wanted to tell Hiro that he was the best friend anyone could ever have, and that Ayaka and Tomoko were lucky to have someone like him. I wanted to tell Suguru that he was better than Tohma could ever possibly be, I wanted to tell K how much I loved his friendship, even if he was a gun-crazed American pig. I wanted to tell Ryuichi and Tatsuha that I loved them both dearly, but I loved them even more now that they'd finally found each other. I should have written to my parents, told them that it wasn't their fault, told Maiko how beautiful and charming she was. I wanted to tell ASK that they should be proud of finally beating Bad Luck, that I wanted them to keep chasing their dreams, and that I was so glad that Aizawa and Ma-kun had each other. I should have told Yuki that I loved him, more than anything in the whole world, and that he couldn't have stopped me. More than anything I wanted to tell Tohma that he'd won, he'd finally won, and I had nothing, nothing, just like he'd always wanted. I wanted to tell him that he should be completely and blissfully happy, because he was right about me, I was a screw up, a failure at even living my own life, and he could finally keep Yuki safe, safe from everything that I inflicted upon him. You win Tohma. Now pick up the pieces for me, because I can't do it anymore.

I wracked my brain, trying to remember how I was supposed to go about it, before I held the blade vertically to my left wrist and pushed. Everything happened all at once, I was crying and screaming and bleeding and holy CRAP did my arm hurt. Whoever said cutting themselves is a fun way to get high on adrenaline was _seriously_ disturbed. After getting blood all over everything I dragged myself to the kitchen sink and wrapped a bunch of paper towels around my arm, suddenly amused that I was being a coward again, only this time I was too afraid to kill myself properly because it hurt too much. God, I really was an idiot. I taped the paper towels to the wound with some electrical tape I found lying around, before the blood loss started going to my head. I got pretty dizzy and stumbled into my bedroom, throwing on a pair of pajama pants and ripping the sheets off of my bed. If I was going to be such a baby about a little bit of pain, then I was going to find some other way to go about this.

I drunkenly tied two white sheets to my arms, this time determined. If there's one thing about me that only gets worse when I'm drunk, it's that when I get an idea in my head I'm even more stubborn about going through with it no matter what. I walked back through the wreck that was my apartment and walked out onto the balcony, leaning over the edge to look at the busy street, stories and stories below me. I chuckled to myself. If my phone had broken that guy's windshield, I wondered what I'd do to his precious car? I carefully climbed up onto the railing and stood, toes curled over the edge to keep myself balanced. The wind felt nice against my cheek, and it tousled my hair and gave life to my makeshift wings. What can I say? I'm just dramatic that way. I breathed in deeply, feeling oddly at peace, which was due more to the blood loss than anything else, before I closed my eyes and lifted my arms, whispering softly to the night air.

"I am nothing."


	7. 07

Hello, and welcome to the final chapter of this fic. Yeah, I was kind of surprised about that too, but this is actually the end. First I would like to say Gravitation and all things affiliated with Gravitation belong to someone who is rich and talented, of which I am neither. I think I'll save all of the boring author's notes for a little fellow at the very end, so to those of you who despise author's notes, if this fic is updated, don't get your hopes up. In any case, to those of you who reviewed, and even to those of you who didn't (I do that all the time, sorry everybody) I'd like to scream your name at the top of my lungs in the middle of a crowded square, but I'll settle for seven thank you's to represent my appreciation for each and every chapter. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Now let's bring an end to this circus act.

Chapter 7

Shuichi hit the pavement like a hefty bag full of vegetable soup, and finally all of the pain he'd been feeling was gone, just like his usable internal organs.

Fuck You Yuki.

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. Here's the actual Chapter 7.

Chapter 7

Tokyo was on fire. It was as though I could see every ounce of life that was pouring up from the streets below, neon and concrete and people just everywhere, everywhere, living like they'd die tomorrow. I suppose that's the charm of it, the fact that if you're not looking, the city will sneak up behind you and change everything, and if you're strong enough, you'll keep going, keep changing, until whatever you were before is only a yellowed memory, lost in the pulse of the night. I watched the street below me in fascination, as though this was my own personal ant farm where I could reach in and stir things up and watch with pride as they rebuilt after my destruction. We're all people. We're all going to have the walls crumble down on top of us at some point or another, but we'll rebuild, we'll change and live and grow and forget, because being human is being able to charge through the fires of hell and forget just how the flames feel. I wanted to rebuild, I wanted to forget, but I was too caught up in living in my memories to ever escape them. I smiled to the people below. I wasn't watching the ant farm; I was just a delusional ant who liked to pretend that for a few moments, I was in control.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I was bleeding and drunk, and if the paper towels around my arm were any indication I was going to pass out soon anyway, but at least then I wouldn't have to see it when I hit the ground. The fact that I'd even been able to stand on the railing for so long only proved that my rigorous training as a teen idol had at least given me a good sense of balance. I opened my eyes again and clasped my hands together, bringing them up to my chest with a sigh. I wanted to smile. I was probably only waiting for someone to barge into my apartment to save me, and tell me that everything was going to be okay, but I really only wanted that because I hated being dramatic without a proper audience. Was it wrong that I was a performer to the very end? I supposed it didn't matter, it never really mattered, because people would mourn me for a moment before time took that away from me too, and everyone would forget and my audience would simply move on, move on to the next big thing to hold their attention span for the time allotted fifteen minutes.

What a sham, what garbage popularity is. If I were the type to regret, perhaps I would wish that I'd never been famous. Who knows what I could have become? I would most definitely have been poor, but maybe I'd have someone who loved me more than anything in the world. I'd be more than willing to trade everything I had for someone who would stay by my side until the very end. I watched my breath disappear in the cold air, and for a moment I could swear I smelled the smoke from a cigarette. I chuckled inwardly; it seemed fitting that my last thoughts would be of Yuki. I supposed that I owed him that much, at the very least. If only he could hear these thoughts, catch my happy memories of him, before I left him for good.

From behind me on the balcony, however, I heard a low voice telling me to hurry it up already. I jumped, whirling around, which was a feat without falling off the railing, and came face to face with Yuki. I suppose I hadn't only imagined the smell of cigarettes, and he stood leaning up against the thick glass doors, arms crossed, cigarette hanging from his mouth. It was such a Yuki thing to do, that pose, that stare telling me that I was an idiot even in the very end, and I thought briefly that this was how I'd always remember him, my perpetually grumpy, rarely affectionate, reclusive, abusive, yet still drop-dead gorgeous boyfriend. I stood up on the railing, feeling suddenly self-conscious, because this was Yuki, and I was being a jackass in front of him and if there was anything I'd always hated, it was being a jackass in front of Yuki. I couldn't come up with anything to say, but I suppose I didn't have to. He spoke up, and told me that I was too much of a coward to kill myself anyway, before he told me to get my ass down from that railing before I tripped and hurt myself. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. What an asshole. What a lovable, oddly charming, asshole. I smiled at him, and he dropped his cigarette and stepped on it, crushing the small embers that had been left. Sometimes I felt sympathetic toward Yuki's cigarettes. He seemed to do that to a lot of people.

He asked me what I thought I was doing on a night like this anyway. I told him that I was trying to kill myself in peace, still throwing my smile his way. He told me that I was selfish. I told him that I knew that already. He told me to come down and I told him that I couldn't, so he glared at me and got out his lighter, fishing around in his pocket for another cigarette. I told him that smoking was going to kill him someday, and he smiled. It was strange, how easy it was to talk to him then, and suddenly my attempt at my own life seemed utterly ridiculous. I was miserable, he was miserable, we were the worst things that could ever happen to each other, but he made me happy, and I liked to think that on some level I made him happy too. I told him that I loved him. He took a long drag and told me that he wasn't stupid, and I laughed, suddenly overcome with relief and exhaustion, more the latter than the former. He asked me if I was going to keep him out in the cold all night, and I told him that I would if I could. He asked me if I was trying to pay him back for all the times he'd ever pointed out my own stupidity, and I told him that I probably wasn't smart enough to engineer revenge like that.

I asked him if he was going to try and stop me. He didn't speak for a while, but eventually he told me to do what I wanted. I nodded. I was tired. Emotionally, physically and spiritually tired, and I felt like I could have slept for years. I watched Yuki, smoke curling around him, twisted to look like a halo by the bright lights in my apartment, and I laughed inwardly at the fact that I often likened him to an angel, even when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't really know what I thought of Yuki. He went from hot to cold so much, I couldn't tell whether he was completely emotionless or so overwhelmed by what he was feeling he was unable to convey it, but either way it left me frustrated and guessing most of the time. He was impossible, but so was I. He was selfish, but again, I was guilty of that too. I loved him more than anything, and it hurt to see him in pain, and he...

I told him to tell me how he felt for me. He told me that what he felt wasn't what the problem was. I asked him if he loved me, and he flicked the end of his cigarette, scattering ashes to the breeze. I got no response, so I asked again. He told me he'd heard me the first time, and I said that he hadn't answered the first time. He looked straight into my eyes and told me that if my life was riding on what someone else felt for me, that I should jump and get it over with. I smiled and asked him if that was a no, and he rolled his eyes. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. I looked at him and said that it would be nice to hear, even if he'd only ever tell me once. He looked indifferent, and asked if I'd jump even if he told me. I said I didn't know. He put his cigarette out, and told me that the only one who should decide whether or not I was worth getting up in the morning for was me. I told him that I wasn't a morning person, and he replied that he knew that already. I watched, amused, as little lights started dancing around Yuki's head, before I told him that I was pretty sure that he loved me. He took another cigarette out of his pocket, and told me that I was probably right. I smiled genuinely this time, and told him that he wouldn't have put up with me for so long if he didn't. He asked me if I was going to come down, and I told him that I wouldn't. He asked me why, and I told him that I didn't know. He told me that I should at least know why before I went and offed myself, and I told him he was probably right.

I told Yuki that I was tired, and he said that he was too. I don't think we meant it the same way, but at that moment my vision seemed to only focus on Yuki, and I was too weak to puzzle out his hidden meanings. I felt warm, very warm, and I told him that I was happy that he'd come to save me. He told me that he was incapable of saving anyone, and I told him that he was underestimating himself, because he'd saved me so many times before. He laughed darkly, still living in his memories of the Yuki who'd shaped him into what he was. I told him that Kitazawa was gone, and Aizawa didn't matter, and really none of it mattered because we were adults, and I was sick of living my mistakes over and over again. We weren't kids anymore, we weren't invincible, but we weren't weak either, and all that mattered was that we were alive. As long as I was breathing I wanted Yuki to be with me. I paused, feeling silly. All this time I'd thought I'd been alone, but Yuki had always been there, always by my side. I was lucky to have him, even if sometimes I didn't realize it. I'd come into his life like a speeding locomotive, and he was the track that kept me from getting off course and killing myself, but without me, his life would be meaningless. I guess I just didn't understand it before. Even if he was too cold to say it and I was too stupid to figure it out, we needed each other. I told him that. He seemed surprised. He asked me if I was going to come down, and I nodded. I think I was finally ready to open my eyes and stop being so selfish.

Or at least I would have been, but I couldn't really see where I was going; in fact I couldn't really see at all. I guess I lost my balance then, but the last thing I can remember is that I was falling, and I saw Yuki looking really scared, before everything went dark. After that I can remember feeling like someone was holding me, rocking back and fourth, and my arm started hurting a lot. I saw some things in flashes, heard people talking in whispers, and sometimes they got really loud and I had to yell for them to be quiet. My head hurt, but suddenly I was moving and someone was carrying me, and I wondered if I had the chicken pox again because that was the only time I'd ever been to the hospital, and I was in the white prison of an ambulance and Yuki was standing behind me, calling something to me, and they were closing the doors and I didn't know why they were closing the doors because they were leaving Yuki behind and I started screaming because they couldn't leave him behind, he was important, he was my Yuki and if I had the chicken pox again I would need him to take care of me and they were trying to put something in my arm and it hurt, it hurt so bad, but I couldn't scream anymore and I think I must have fallen asleep after that because I just don't remember...

I woke up in the hospital, listening to the beeping and clicking and the sound of expensive shoes swirling around me. I felt kind of groggy, and it took me a little while to remember what I was doing here. Something about the chicken pox? I surveyed my body and didn't find any spots, or at least not until I got to my arm. I thought for a few moments that perhaps I'd only gotten chicken pox right there, so I tore off the bandage and was shocked to find a long cut on my wrist. There was dried blood all over it, and it looked like I'd needed stitches. How had that... oh. Oh my God. I sat up and threw my blankets off the bed. Yuki. I needed to find Yuki and tell him how sorry I was, tell everybody how sorry I was, and I wanted to tell Hiro and Suguru and K and Maiko and my parents and Ayaka and Tomoko and Mika and Ryuichi and Tatsuha and Tohma, I wanted to tell them all how I felt, I wanted to tell them all how much I loved them, and needed them, and how wonderful they were for putting up with me all the time. But Yuki, Yuki first, I had to find Yuki. I put my feet flat on the floor and tried to stand up, but I fell over when I discovered that they didn't have any feeling in them. I started to hit them because I had to get up, I had to find Yuki, and once the pins and needles set in and I could move them again, I pushed myself up off the floor and stumbled out of my room. One of the nurses at the end of the hall spotted me, and she started to walk my way, so I tried to walk faster but couldn't, and she was gaining fast. Panicked, I grabbed a wheelchair and kneeled in the seat, using my hands and one of my feet to push it down the corridor. She started running after me, but I was faster, and I jumped off and ran down one of the side halls just before the wheelchair crashed into the wall.

I hid in an empty room and waited for my legs to go back to normal, before I peered out into the hallway and took off running. It was funny; as long as I looked like I knew what I was doing, none of the doctors paid me any attention. I ran out of breath eventually, at which point I realized that I had no idea what hospital I was in or where I was going. Sometimes I wish I'd think of these things _before _I go and do something pointless that involves me wasting even more time. I resolved that once I found Yuki, I would make him help me buy one of those electronic organizer things. I felt kind of sleepy after that, so I opted to walk instead of run. I found the cafeteria at least six times, cursing my awful sense of direction, before I took a left turn and by chance ended up walking by the waiting room. There, asleep with his reading glasses on and a book spread open in his lap, was Yuki. I smiled, before opening the door, sneaking past the counter where two of the hospital workers were checking people in, and sitting in the seat next to him. I tucked some loose strands of hair behind his ear, and watched him sleep. His face looked pissed off and worried at the same time, and I smiled at him, hoping that he'd given the doctors and nurses hell while I was out. I yawned; after all I'd just spent the last hour running around looking for him, but he looked too sweet to wake up so I rested my cheek up against his shoulder and decided to take a quick nap.

I think he woke up before I did, but I can't really tell. Either way, I must have slept on him for hours, because it took that long for the nurses to find me. They burst into the room and started yelling at Yuki about hospital protocol, and he started yelling at them about the fact that I was trying to sleep, so I sat up and asked them to be quiet because this was a hospital after all, before I stretched and yawned cutely and asked Yuki whether or not it was time for dinner. I don't think anybody had the heart to keep yelling after that, because I know for a fact how devastating my adorable attack can be when used effectively. Yuki told the nurses to bring him the release papers, but they started hissing to him about the fact that I would need to sign up for counseling, and they started fighting again before I told the nurses that I just really wanted to go home. I was surprised that they didn't melt into puddles on the floor, but I suppose it was good that they just started doting on me instead. I asked them in a pathetic little voice if they could please bring me the release papers, and just like that, they were gone, racing to see who could be of convenience first.

I smiled at Yuki, and he raised his eyebrow and asked me what that whole display was, so I told him that it was easier to get what you wanted if you were nice and cute. He told me that sometimes being a cold prick worked too, so I just hugged him and said that it probably only worked that way if you were dashingly handsome. He buried his hand in my hair and sighed, and I snuggled up against him. I must have fallen asleep again, because when I woke up Yuki was standing in front of me with his coat slung over his arm, waiting to take me home. I wondered which home he was going to take me to, when he held out his hand to me. I took it and felt embarrassed and ecstatic all at once, and I hoped that there were people out there who loved each other enough to feel the same joy that I felt, even when they were only holding hands. He stopped me abruptly, and I wondered what was wrong, when he asked me if I was aware that my hospital gown had no back. I blinked. Perhaps now wouldn't be the best time to tell him about my hour-long search for him running through the hospital. I smiled, cheeks burning, when he sighed and draped his coat over my shoulders. For once in my life, it was really nice being shorter that Yuki.

He brought us back to his- our old apartment, in a strange car, and I asked him what had happened to his old one. He told me, annoyed, that someone had dropped a cell phone from out of my building and completely obliterated the windshield. I blushed crimson and told him that that was a shame. He didn't speak of it again, so I spent the remainder of the ride dozing in the passenger seat. When we finally arrived, he immediately led me back to his bedroom. I told him that he was a pervert if he thought I was going to put out right after I'd been in the hospital, and he glared at me, before throwing a pair of boxers at my head and snatching my paper gown away. I giggled and he grunted, but I could tell from his eyes that he was amused. I crawled under the covers and he leaned over me, kissing me gently, before asking if I needed anything before he went to go make some phone calls. I said no, and he went to get up, but I grabbed him by the sleeve before inquiring about whether or not the calls he had to make were particularly important. He paused, but then he left, and I was almost ready to start feeling sorry for myself when he brought his cell phone back into the room and sat next to me on the bed. Wearily, I sat up and pulled the blankets out from under him, covering him as best I could so that I could be right next to some part of his body. Before he started making the calls, I asked him why he hadn't tried to talk about what had happened. He put his hand on my head and said that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, and I should get some sleep in the meantime. I think he called my parents after that, but I don't really know because I fell asleep to the soft sound of his voice, arms gently grasping his middle.

I was alone when I woke up, but breakfast smells were drifting in from the kitchen. It smelled really nice too, especially since I was unused to anything but Fruit Loops for breakfast because Yuki almost NEVER got up before me, and even when he did he always lived off of black coffee and a newspaper. I got up and padded into the kitchen, before coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around his middle. He'd usually have told me off for distracting him, but this time he didn't say anything, instead filling up two large plates with fluffy pancakes and bringing them to the table. We ate in silence, but it was only due to the fact that I had my face stuffed full of pancakes and Yuki was up too early to even attempt making conversation. When I finished, I got up and poured him his coffee, and I got some orange juice for myself. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't even manage to royally screw up his coffee or trip or something else to ruin the odd peace that had fallen over the kitchen. It was kind of nice, eating a leisurely breakfast with Yuki, and so I settled down across from him and rested my head on my hands, watching him read the newspaper.

In general, I almost never read the newspaper; the words are too small and I have the habit of either reading the same line three or four times, or skipping around from article to article and confusing all the facts. This time, however, one of the headlines caught my eye and I snatched the paper from Yuki, which earned me a "What the hell?!" and an irritated glare. I wasn't trying to start trouble or anything, but the newspaper had gotten their headline wrong. It said "Bad Luck Releases CD to Record Sales," which couldn't possibly be right because our CD wasn't due out until two weeks from now. I pointed it out to Yuki and tried to keep reading, until he grabbed the paper back from me and we succeeded in tearing it in half. I started yelling at Yuki to let me read something for once, but he got all stony and serious and told me that what I was reading wasn't something I should hear from a newspaper. He was scaring me. This had to be a joke. I asked him pathetically just how long I'd been in the hospital, and he took off his glasses and carefully folded them, putting them down next to the remnants of the newspaper before looking me straight in the eyes.

I'd been out for two-and-a-half weeks. Seventeen entire days. Hiro, Ayaka, Suguru, Ryuichi, Tatsuha and K had been at the hospital all the time during visiting hours, and the doctors eventually had to ban people from seeing me because Hiro'd caused a big scene in my room when he blamed himself for what had happened, to the point that Suguru tried to stop him but he hit the poor kid, so Tatsuha ended up knocking him out, which tore one of my IV's out in the process. Yuki didn't tell me how he'd managed to stay in the hospital, but that was Yuki's way, so I made a mental note to find out later from Hiro. I found out that Tohma and Mika had come to visit me too, and ASK had tried but Suguru went nuts at them and told them to get the hell out, screaming at them that they were the cause of my actions. When Tohma came in I guess he just broke down and started to cry, but he kept telling Yuki that he'd made me do it, and he'd known all about it, and maybe if he hadn't come and talked to me things would have resolved themselves on their own, but I guess then he started shaking me, so the nurses banned him from my room too. Yuki finished that up, bust I still had a bunch of unanswered questions.

I asked Yuki about my injuries, because last time I checked, getting a cut and passing out from blood loss wasn't the type of thing that kept a person unconscious for over two weeks. He told me simply that I'd passed while I was standing on the railing, and when I fell backwards he'd had to run forward and catch my legs. Because I was already over the railing, my whole body'd swung like a pendulum and I'd smacked my head on the side of the building before going as limp as a rag doll. I told him that it was pretty romantic that he'd caught me and pulled me up to safety, and he told me that I was a complete moron for not managing to fall forward when I'd passed out. He went on to say that the blood loss and the head injury, coupled with being exposed to cold temperatures with barely any clothes on and still being soaked from my cold shower had managed to put me in a coma until I woke up that night. I asked him why the nurses let me out, if I'd just undergone head trauma and severe blood loss, but he shrugged and told me that they figured running around a hospital for an hour constituted being healthy, but I was going back there today to get checked up anyway. I poked him in the side and told him that he'd used his "angry and violent, yet famous and attractive" powers to force the nurses to let me come home, and he didn't say reply because he knew I was right.

I asked Yuki to let me use his phone for a while after that, mostly because I had to tell a lot of people a lot of things, and I had a lot to apologize for. I called my parents first, mostly because they were my parents, and whenever something huge like this happens you always call your parents first, because they deserve to talk to you first. We had a very, _very_ long conversation that was half them yelling at me for being an idiot, half them apologizing to me for not being there for me enough, and half them telling me how much they loved me, and how worried they'd been. Yes, I realize that I can't count, but that's beside the point. My mom cried, and my father may have but he's got the kind of voice where you can't tell how he's feeling over the phone, and I cried a little bit too and told them that I was sorry. Once I was finished talking to them, I had to talk to Maiko for another solid hour, but she spent most of it screaming at me. I just let her after a while, because sometimes all you need is just a good scream to make everything better, and once she finally got everything out of her system and calmed down, we actually had a normal conversation.

Well, not really normal, considering that most of our conversations revolve around squealing like little girls about music, movie stars, or sadly, make up, but we talked about things that weren't so superficial this time around. She told me about awful break ups she'd had, and I told her about how I was feeling when my life had sort of fallen apart, and it was probably the most I'd ever spoken to her. It felt... good. We talked about Yuki and my social life and the things that I was thinking about before I'd tried to suicide, and how I was being selfish if I thought people were better off without me, and about Yuki and about how this was going to effect my friendships, and we also talked an awful lot about Yuki. I told her that it was funny that she was fixated on Yuki, and she said that it was funny how _I_ was fixated on Yuki, but I suppose she had me there. When we finally said goodbye, I thanked God that I had a sister as resilient, commanding, and yet somehow as reassuring as Maiko.

The difficult calls were next. Well, more difficult anyway. I called Hiro first, and it killed me when Ayaka picked up the phone and talked to me in that disappointed motherly voice, even though she didn't day anything other than "Hello Shuichi, I'll go and get Hiro." He picked up the phone, but it was obvious that he wasn't in the best of moods because he sounded like complete shit. I could tell because I've known him long enough to pick up when he's upset. His voice sounded like what happens when you stretch a rubber band until just before it breaks, higher pitched and tired all at once. He didn't talk much, just listened, and I told him everything. Everything from the ASK ordeal to leaving Yuki, even some of the things I'd done that Yuki didn't know about. I kept telling him that it wasn't his fault, but I knew that he'd always blame himself. After a while he just couldn't speak anymore, especially the parts about how envious I was of what he and Ayaka had, and I had to start baiting him to get any reaction at all. Finally I got him angry enough to start yelling at me because he had a family and just because we were friends didn't mean he had to take care of and lavish attention on me all the time. I think he felt really awful after he'd said it, but I was glad to get the truth out of him. I told him so, and he sounded a little bit better. I knew that I couldn't keep him all to myself anymore, and we talked about that. It wasn't easy, but I eventually told him that I was going to seek counseling, (well, I was going to be forced to seek counseling) and that I'd sort out my problems when I got to that point. I was glad when Hiro forgave me, and after a few more awkward topics, I actually got to talk to him about our CD.

Apparently it was a huge media circus when I'd been admitted to the hospital again, and someone in NG's security office leaked the Tohma story at the same time, so when one of the nurses had told the press the nature of my injuries, everything sort of exploded. No amount of bullshitting on K's part could cover up a scandal like this one, and finally Sakano had to intervene. Apparently there was a ton of people who got fired for my sake, which I felt kind of guilty about, but not guilty enough to do anything about it. The tabloids were having a field day speculating over little details like Yuki's broken windshield, or how he carried me in bloody bed sheets out to where the ambulance was waiting. I thought it was kind of funny that Yuki had suddenly become either a big hero who'd saved me from an untimely death when fame became too much for me, or this sinister villain who'd made it look like a suicide in order to cover up abusing and raping me. In some of the stories apparently the Yakuza was involved, and my Yakuza lover had come to end my life because I knew too much before Yuki dragged me to the hospital. Either way, Hiro and Suguru had gone through the CD and put the final touches on all of our songs before releasing it right on schedule. Hiro told me it was partially a tribute to me, but they also did it to keep their minds on something productive while I was recovering. He also told me, in a small voice, that our song had beaten out ASK on the charts the very next day anyway, so my status as the king of the world wasn't being taken away just yet. I sighed, and told him that I probably overreacted a little bit, even though we both knew that not debuting number one was simply the tiny push I'd needed to combust, not the complete reason. I could feel his smile over the phone.

I talked to K and Suguru after that, and got lectures very similar to the ones that everyone else was giving me, but K's was more threatening and Suguru kept apologizing for "pushing me too hard." I decided that one of these days I was going to hire Suguru a prostitute to loosen him up, and also to see the reaction on his face. Maybe for his birthday... I ended up talking to Ryuichi for a while, but that was almost frightening. It wasn't the cutesy, bunny toting Ryuichi; it was the dead sane Ryuichi that seemed to come out only when it was really important. He didn't yell at me; in fact I think he's probably the one person who could fathom my reasoning, because he told me that there were times when Tohma had needed to stop him from doing a flying leap off the deep end when they were touring. I felt kind of sorry for him then, because he'd found Tatsuha only after he'd had to deal with the fame for so long, and it seemed like I'd had Yuki to keep me grounded from the very beginning. Or at least as grounded as I'd _let_ him keep me, but still.

I called Tohma after that, and had a very strange conversation where we both kept apologizing to each other. He told me that it bugged him to see Yuki so close to another human being, and I told him that it bugged me to see Yuki so close to another human being, and we both agreed to stop using him in our own personal game of tug-of-war. I said that I wanted a rematch against him where I could actually fight back, and he said that people with kids aren't allowed to be prizefighters, and I heard Tohma laugh a genuine, fall on the floor, clutch your stomach laugh. It was beyond creepy, but kind of charming at the same time. I think I realized then that Tohma wasn't the enemy, or this sinister bastard who played with people, but he wasn't this perfect, emotionless golden boy either. He was just another guy, another friend who cared a lot about the people around him, to the point that he'd be willing to sacrifice everything for them. I told him that he wasn't scary anymore, and he said he was sorry he'd lost his touch, but I replied that it probably went with becoming a father. He sighed and he sounded old, and I said I was sorry for all the trouble I'd caused and he said I sounded like a little kid, so I guess we're even for now. I really do respect Seguchi Tohma, because he _is_ a good guy who watches out for us all in his own little way, but I'm sure as hell glad that I'm not him. Man, what was I thinking when I tried to emulate my interpretation of Tohma? Oh, right. I wasn't thinking.

Mika threatened me with a very painful death if I ever pulled something like this again, mostly because she'd be damned before she let Yuki back into her home to mope around, watch TV, smell up her bathrooms with cigarette smoke, and pine after me. I finally got the full scoop on what exactly Yuki had been doing when I was gone, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy when she told me that he could barely function when he thought I'd left him. It was nice to be reminded that the bastard adored me, even if he was crap at showing it. I said my goodbyes to Mika and wished her luck with her two children (referring to Eiri and Tohma, of course), before I took a break for lunch while working up the nerve to call ASK. Yuki had been checking up on me periodically, because I could see his shadow falling across the light from the doorway, but for the most part he stayed out of my way. Besides, he seemed like he was in one of those moods where he's just come out of a period where he can't write anything, and suddenly he's got a thousand ideas running around in his head all at once. It was nice that for once he was the one who had to respect my privacy while I worked on something important.

I dialed Ma-kun's number at least three times, but I kept hanging up when I started feeling sick. I finally managed to get through, and Taki picked it up, sounding tired and annoyed, before I told him simply that it was Shuichi. He handed the phone over to Ma-kun because he sure as hell wasn't ready to talk to me, and Ma-kun sounded a little distressed. Before I could accuse him of anything, he started talking, scarcely able to pause for breath. He whispered apology after apology, before he said that they'd never meant to influence me into doing something like that. They'd just thought that with all my talk about wanting a rival worthy of Bad Luck, they were going to give me a chase I'd never forget, and what better way than to release our singles on the same day. I felt like a complete jackass. ASK was trying to give me what I'd asked for, and I blew it out of proportion. The rest of the conversation went much easier after that, and we all got our "I'm sorry's" out of out systems quickly, before we started talking about our music and things we thought we could improve and before I knew it I'd forgotten why I'd called in the first place.

I felt more normal than I'd felt in nearly five years. I had good friends, a dream job, a supportive family, and Yuki, who meant the world to me. Life was... good. Better than good. I started seeing a psychiatrist on a weekly basis, and Yuki even agreed to go and see a relationship counselor with me. Of course, we only saw her once, and Yuki kind of left in the middle when he started ranting about what garbage she was spewing, but it was a start. He'd do little things, like make me breakfast, or let me cuddle up to him when he was reading on the couch, and he even started taking me out on dates that weren't lame or rewards for being NG's bitch. Speaking of the couch, not once did I ever have to sleep on it after that. I mean, life wasn't perfect because I still drove Yuki completely nuts, but he never kicked me out of _our_ bedroom. In return I learned how to stop whining. For the most part. And he was very impressed when I showed him my skills with meals from a box and/or bag. After a while, I finally got up the nerve to ask him why he'd gone to find me that night. He smiled like the cocky bastard he is and told me he was looking through the apartment for one of his papers, and lo-and-behold he found a messed up scrapbook under one of the couch cushions detailing all of the women he should have children with once I'd managed to kill myself. He hit me on the head and affectionately called me a "baka," and I yelled at him because he was only supposed o have children with one of the girls, not all of them. Pervert.

I was more open in my relationships after that too, and for the first time I felt like no one was dumbing down our conversations, or babying me because my poor widdle ears couldn't handle bad news. My friends loved me, and I loved them, but we could finally be completely open about how we couldn't stand each other. Life had suddenly become real, in focus for the first time, and I discovered that just because reality seems boring, sometimes it's in that boredom that we find the things that make life worth living. I stopped living in "Shuichi-land" all the time, but to compensate I started making Yuki live outside of "I'm-a-selfish-prick-who-nobody-can-love-boo-hoo-land" too. It was kind of cool, because once we stopped focusing completely on ourselves, we started focusing a little bit more on each other, and let me tell you, the sex was fantastic. We were jumping each other like two queer rabbits in heat, and after two arrests for public indecency Yuki finally made me swear to only having sex indoors.

I wanted to tell you something wise and insightful about all the stuff I had to learn the hard way, but you can probably tell that that's not my style. I think I'd just like to say that life is stupid, and infuriating, and boring and awful and excruciatingly difficult and a thousand other things that make you want to jump off a building, but it just wouldn't be the same without all of those things. Sometimes the only way you can realize just how good you've got it is if you have to go through a little hell to get it to be that way. I thought I should tell you that Yuki told me he loved me yesterday. It wasn't all flowers and chocolate and candlelight, but that stuff's overrated anyway. Besides, what can you expect from a bitter ex-romance novelist? I think he's more into biographies anyway.


	8. Notes and a Prize

Hello! Here I am again. Not that you're particularly thrilled to see me. No, you'd rather see an epilogue or something equally fluffy and delicious. Like Mallow Cups. Yes. Exactly like Mallow Cups. In fact, that's now what I'm going to refer to sappy "tie the ending together poorly just to watch people cuddle" epilogues. Sorry kids, no Mallow Cups here. Well, for now anyway.

Instead, I'm going to give you actual author's notes. Weird, huh?

Let's see. I'm going to start by thanking my many, wonderful reviewers. In two different ways! Which will be explained in a short time, so be patient.

First off, THANK YOU to all past, present, and future reviewers, for making this fic a success, and for inspiring me to write a semi-but-not-actually sequel starring Ryuichi. Oh, by the way, I'm writing a semi-but-not-actually sequel starring Ryuichi. Crazy, isn't it? But inspiration hits like a speeding bus, and so I dive once more into the world of –shudder- fanfiction. Eh heh.

Actually, under the threat of death from one of my friends, I'm also being forced to write a sequel, too, so you should all be thrilled.

I guess.

Now that the shameless plug has been planted, I move on.

So, though I personally think that this particular piece of… writing… turned out fairly decent, though not how I initially intended. I'm kind of pleased with it, but I do have some regrets.

I wanted to make a reference to Shuichi enjoying a bowl full of Marshmallow Blasted Fruit Loops, because if there were anyone who could be described by a breakfast cereal, it would be Shuichi.

I originally wanted to turn Shuichi into a Tohma clone, at which point he would realize that he's a Tohma clone, and then he'd freak out, but I'm glad I didn't go that way. However, this did make it so that I couldn't do this cool, Fight Club-esque thing in which Shuichi says things like "I am Seguchi Tohma's Charcoal Heart." Or "I am Seguchi Tohma's upset stomach." Or, my personal favorite "I am Seguchi Tohma's steel balls." Oh well.

I did want to include more of what Yuki was thinking. He kind of faded out in the midst of Shuichi's problems, and I wanted to show that he was having a breakdown without Shuichi there to liven his life up a little bit.

Those are the main things that I regretted about not being able to include. However, I did get to throw in something I've been dying to see in Gravitation fanfiction. You have no idea how fun it was to write Tohma beating the crap out of Shuichi. Of all the characters, I find Tohma the most interesting, if only because he's so calm and collected all the time. I just wanted to see what would happen if he snapped and flipped out on somebody, and from what I think anyway, I could actually see him just being fed up with all of Shuichi's bullshit (which isn't actually bullshit, not most of it anyway, Yuki is, after all, an idiot but Tohma's a teeny bit Eiri obsessed) and just beating him senseless.

I also did my best trying to portray a strong Shuichi, which didn't work out as well as I had hoped. He's so clingy and whiny sometimes, that it's hard to make him into an independent. Oh well, I did my best.

Finally, I'd like to talk about inspiration.

Let's see, of the things that inspired me, my fans were, of course, probably the driving force that kept me writing. Though I think I may fail math this quarter. Eh heh, thanks. ( Did anyone else notice that course rhymes with force?)

Next, I'd like to thank two songs, because I can.

First, I kind of felt that this song captured Shuichi's feelings, so I listened to it obsessively for hours on end! Yay!

Jimmy Eat World: Futures

23

I felt for sure last night

That once we said goodbye

No one else will know these lonely dreams

No one else will know that part of me

I'm still driving away

And I'm sorry every day

I wont always love these selfish things

I wont always live

Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide

I knew this was our time

No one else will have me like you do

No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

I'm here I'm now I'm ready

Holding on tight

Don't give away the end

The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems

I'll be 23

I won't always love what I'll never have

I wont always live in my regret

You'll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

I'm here I'm now I'm ready

Holding on tight

Don't give away the end

The one thing that stays mine

The second song that inspired me was:

Dashboard Confessional

Saints and Sailors

This is where I say I've had enough

And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises

And I don't believe that I'm getting any better.

Any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering this house like I've never wanted out

And this is about as social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you

Cause they would never do, I would never do.

Never

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

But don't be a liar

Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.

And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor

And your eyes say the jokes on me.

But, I'm not laughing

You're not leaving

Who do I think I am kidding?

When I'm the only one locked in this hell

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

And I'm thinking awful things

I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartment is starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.

So don't be a liar

Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.

And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor

And your eyes say the jokes on me.

So, those songs are part of the reason I even began this fic. Really, I recommend you pick the- -coughpiratecough- Oh excuse me. Buy them at your local music store.

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Or not. Whichever.

In gratitude, I drew y'all a picture. I know, I know, it's kind of lame, but hey, I wanted to thank you the best way I knew how.

Really, Thank you all so very much.

Here's the site:

dragonnest . 0catch . com / pictures / shuichi . jpg

Type it in without all the spaces in it, and with the http:thingy.

So, until next time, see you space cowboys.


End file.
